


All Coming Back

by lindsey_grissom



Category: Will & Grace
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-16
Updated: 2006-06-12
Packaged: 2017-10-10 13:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/100279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lindsey_grissom/pseuds/lindsey_grissom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes there's something behind you and you're just waiting for the time when it catches up with you, it affects every scene of your life and yet no matter how bad, you wouldn't change it because of the things it brought you. Karen reflects.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sentimental Days

**Author's Note:**

> Heed the warning! Many thanks still go to my beta on this; Mars.

__

Another ditch in the road  
You keep moving  
Another stop sign  
You keep moving on  
And the years go by so fast  
Wonder how I ever made it through  
(Two Beds and a Coffee Machine, Savage Garden)

 

_Sentimental days  
In a misty clouded haze  
Of a memory that now feels untrue…  
The pages I've turned are the lessons I've learned_  
(Welcome to My Truth, Anastacia)

 

She knew it was coming; she'd been waiting for it for years now. At first she'd spent every day looking over her shoulder, so to speak, anxiously awaiting the moment when it would all end, it hadn't seemed real then, there was no pain, just the knowledge of what was to come. She had already married Stan, and had told him straight away what was happening. He'd taken it better than she'd expected, staying strong for the both of them. Until the nights, where he'd pull her close to him when he thought her asleep, breathing deep into her hair, and she'd feel his tears against her cheek. She'd lived for those moments, when he'd let down his shields, she only wished he hadn't been so scared to let them down when he'd known she was awake.

The children had been told early on too. She'd wanted to keep it from them, she wasn't their Mother, and really, she hadn't thought they liked her much anyway, but Stan had insisted, so they'd been told. Funny how it didn't feel like nine years had passed.

_: flashback :_

"Stanley, are you sure we have to tell them? I really do think it'd be better to just let them know later, you know, after." Karen smiled anxiously up at her Husband, attempting to keep the hopeful tone out of her voice.

"Kare, it'll be fine you'll see; nothing to worry about. They're my children, your step-children; that gives them the right to know this now." He squeezed her hand tenderly, support etched into every inch of his face. "Come on, we'll tell them together." Still clutching his hand, she let herself be drawn into the play room. Toys filled every available surface; pinks, lilacs and pale pastels, intermingled with sharp blues, greens and reds, none of them distinguishable as individual objects, but all of them coming together to make a child's dream world.

Olivia sat on one of the large padded chairs, her nose deep in a magazine, Karen could just make out the 'V' of Vogue on the cover, and sighed to herself as she realised where all her magazines kept disappearing to lately. It looked as if she would start having to order two of them from now one, if she ever wanted to read it herself. Mason was staring avidly at the sixty-inch TV screen covering one of the walls, his quick thumb movements causing the robots on screen to explode, only for them to be replaced by another three for every one destroyed. Karen found the sight fascinating, aware that her sudden interest in the computer game most likely came from her desire to delay this conversation as long as possible.

As though aware of his wife's thoughts, Stan gently pushed her to into the centre of the room, before turning to the screen and switching it off. As the flames from the latest destruction faded to black and the sounds of screaming metal ended, silence descended on the room, and Karen found herself the attention of two pairs of child's eyes. Smiling self-consciously, she turned to look at Stan once again, hoping the children would follow her lead.

"Mason, Olivia, your Step-mother and I have something we need to tell you. It's not easy to say, so I want you to pay close attention, okay?"

Two positive answers of "Yes Daddy" later, and Karen still wanted to sprint from the room, Stan's hand the only thing keeping her in place. He gave her hand a slight squeeze, and then using his elbow, nudged her forward a step.

"Ah, hi Kiddies." A nervous laugh escaped her lips, and she looked pleadingly up at Stan; she really, really couldn't do this.

He turned his eyes to meet hers, and she saw the understanding in them, slumping in relief when she felt him step up behind her, his arm coming to rest around her waist, she kept her eyes down, and let his voice wash over her.

"You remember Uncle Bernie, don't you? Olivia, he used to take you to see the horses when we went to visit him in Vermont, well you know how he got very ill last year and we couldn't go up to visit him? Do you remember what I told you was wrong with him?"

A worried expression crossed the girl's face, whilst her younger brother frowned in concentration, trying to remember both his Uncle, and the illness he had come down with. His face broke out in an innocent smile as the answer came to him.

"Canswer, you said he had Canswer Daddy!" The three others in the room flinched at both the mutilated word and the truth behind it.

There was silence for a moment, as they stood unsure what to say next. The wall clock ticked loudly, the gaps between the seconds seeming to lengthen with each beat.

Olivia was the first to break the uncomfortable atmosphere, her voice small and unsure, as she looked between both of her guardians, not knowing who her question should be aimed at.

"Do you have Cancer?"

Stan squeezed her hand once again, before letting go and taking a step backwards. This bit she would have to do herself. Dropping down on shaky legs, Karen knelt before the curly-haired child, her head level with her Step-daughter's. Mason had moved to stand behind his sister, knowing from the tension in the room that this was an important moment, and not wanting to be left out.

"Not quite Honey, it's more of a tumour…" She paused taking in the confused looks on their faces, "It's a lump of bad cells in my body, like Cancer, but not quite." She kept the 'not yet' to herself, but a sharp intake of breath behind her told that Stan had heard it anyway.

She sat back on her heels, unsure how much more to tell them; she didn't want to confuse them further, that wouldn't help anyone. As she was debating this, her gaze dropped to the cream carpet, absently she wondered how it had remained so clean; this was a play room after all. Not looking at the other members of the room, she didn't see Mason moving until she felt his chubby arms wrap tightly around her waist, and the rest of his body tumble into her. Looking at her Step-son in shock, no words came to her lips; she was unprepared for this. Almost as unprepared as she was for his next words.

"You're not going to die are you?"

Frozen and knowing she resembled a deer caught in headlights; she turned her gaze to her Step-daughter, only to find she had the same question in her own watery eyes. Her hand began rubbing Mason's back soothingly, of its own accord.

"We all die eventually Sweetie, but I've got a good many years left in me yet. Don't you worry, you'll be wishing I'd gone sooner, just you wait." She tried for humour, but it fell flat, though she could feel Mason calming against her.

"Don't say that Karen, we'll want you around always." And suddenly she felt slender arms wrap around her from her other side. Hugging both of her Step-children to her, she realised that it hadn't been their reactions she'd worried about, it was the possibility of no reaction that had terrified her. She really did care for Stan's children after all. A few moments like that, and then she felt Stan move close again, looking up she saw tears in his own eyes.

"Okay now Kids, time to get ready for bed. Say goodnight, and go find Rosario, she'll help you to clean up." His voice was slightly shaky, but only noticeable to someone who knew him well enough to look for it. With a feeling half relief and half remorse, Karen released her hold on the children and pulled herself to her feet. She watched as they each said goodnight to their father and made to turn and leave, it was then she saw Olivia approach.

The young girl hugged her once more, before planting a light kiss to her cheek and walking out of the room. Mason, following his sister's lead, gave her both a kiss and hug, before beckoning her down so her ear was level with his mouth.

"Goodnight Mommy-Karen." Spoken softly, barely above a whisper, and then he too flew from the room, leaving Karen bent over, a single tear trailing down her cheek.

Feeling Stan's presence behind her once again she stood straight and turned to face him.

"That went well Honey."

Stan laughed, loving his wife even more in that moment. Raising one hand and using the pad of his thumb to brush away the tear, he pulled her to him, and enveloped her in his arms.

"I told you it would Kare. I knew they loved you as much as you do them; 'Mummy-Karen'." He teased, and as they stood, her giggling into his chest, him chuckling into her hair, she knew she'd enjoy the rest of her life and bravely face what was to come, so long as she had her family around her.

_: end flashback :_


	2. Weakness and Strength

_You're the one who held me up  
Never let me fall  
You're the one who saw me through it all  
You were my strength when I was weak_  
(Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion)

 

Of course it hadn't always been like that, they'd had the same problems any family faced. Arguments over whether to convert the twelfth bedroom into another study or a film room, heated discussions as to whether it was really right to give Mason a cold meats room of his own. But through all of it they'd stuck together as a family. When people asked her, she'd forget her children's names, stress the size of her husband, and laugh eccentrically until they moved on. She'd had a reputation to uphold after all. But she would never have replaced her husband in that first year, through the first treatment. He'd been her rock through it all, and it had brought them so much closer in the end, solidifying the love that at the time she thought they'd always have. She hated looking back to that time, almost as much as she loved looking back. A truer bittersweet moment she had never had, and it was because of the sweetness that she wouldn't trade it for the world.

_: flashback :_

She lay on the bed, the covers pulled to her chin, destined once more for the floor as soon as the chills finished, and the flushes began. Her face was white, blending in with the pillow case beneath it, her rosy cheeks standing out in stark relief.

Stan sat in a chair beside her, drawn up close to the bed, a damp cloth in his hand. Raising the cloth again, he stroked it gently across her forehead, trying to sooth his wife as well as soak up the film of perspiration that never seemed to disperse no matter how cold Karen's body felt. Her lips were drawn tight in a scowl, her eyebrows pinched into a frown; even in sleep she could find no respite from the illness.

It was hard for him to watch her like this. The strong woman he knew and loved, had been reduced to the frail creature beside him, who's only words spoke of the pain and misery coursing through her body. She hadn't wanted him to see her like this, at first, when she'd been strong enough; she'd locked him from the room, stopping all but Rosario from entering. Gradually she'd weakened, as the treatment went to work; killing off the cells of her body, both the bad, and the good, and she'd been unable to deny him entry any longer. She'd grip his hand tightly when awake, the only indication sometimes that she was, and he'd stroke her hair softly, whispering promises for the future, until once again, she slipped into a restless sleep.

Hearing her breathing shift slightly, he placed the cloth on the bedside cabinet, and drew one of her small hands into his own, drawing small circles on her palm with his thumb. Her fingers tightened inside his own, and he looked down into her barely open eyes.

"Hey Sweetie. I've missed you." He didn't include a question of her welfare in his whispered speech, there was little point; he could see that she wasn't well, he didn't need for her to tell him.

Her response was little more than a moan, and it took all he had to continue gazing into her pain filled eyes.

"Rosie says that you have to wait another hour before you can have anything for the pain, or nausea Sweetheart, but is there anything else I can get you? You really should try to drink something."

He watched her swallow around her dry throat, and waited for her words, hoping that today was a good day, and they wouldn't include any subtle suggestions of euthanasia, he knew he wouldn't be able to handle that again. He hadn't truly handled it the last time.

"Gin on the Rocks would be great right about now Honey." Her voice was rough and ragged; lower than he was used to, but stronger than it had been, and he found himself smiling down at her.

"I'm sure it would, how about we pretend that that is exactly what this glass of water contains?" The tiny smile he received made it all worthwhile. He could almost see His wife again. He didn't try to make her sit up, but simply lowered the half-full glass to her lips until she'd taken a few sips. Wiping the spilt drops off of her chin, he noticed a bit more of her natural colour in her skin. After just over a week, the relief was almost overwhelming. She wasn't out of the woods yet, but so long as nothing happened, she would be soon; she was on the right track now anyway. Unsure what to say next, he was saved the trouble when Karen spoke up herself.

"Honey, could you tell me about your day, and what's going on with the Kiddies?"

"Sure I can Sweetie." It was the first time she'd shown an active interest in anything since the treatment began. Smiling brightly, Stan settled more comfortably in the over-stuffed chair, and resumed stroking her palm, his voice softly re-telling the last few days.

This was definitely a good day.

_:end flashback:_


	3. Let The Covers Fall Away

_I'm trying to remember why I was afraid  
To be myself and let the-the covers fall away  
Guess I never had someone like you  
To help me fit in my skin_  
(Naked, Avril Lavigne)

 

She'd waited a few months, gotten herself back on her feet, and enjoyed the closeness of her family. Then the children had gone back to school, Stan, though he'd tried to make more time for them, spent more and more time at work, as the business expanded, the profits rolling in, and she'd found herself alone with a staff of thirty and a surprisingly empty house. It had seemed obvious at the time. Never one to do charity work, or even to host charity events, she'd decided to find herself a new hobby; work. Looking back, she wondered why she'd really tried to make an impression in those interviews. Before, she'd felt that what she was, was enough, she'd never bothered trying to sell herself by faking, but it had taken a while to build her self-esteem back up again, she owed her 'Poodle' for ultimately bringing her back to her previous self. Whether he knew it or not, his constant comments on her clothes, his obsession with her body and his regular compliments had made her believe in herself again. But there was one interview she couldn't help but remember, as unlikely as it was; she'd been hired by the interviewer. Of course, she would have remembered the moment she met Grace even if she'd never seen her again, no one forgot that hair or those clothes. And when one met Grace, not long after they met Will and her meeting had been no different.

_: flashback :_

"Miss Karen you're meeting is in forty minutes, if you don't move soon you'll be late, and I'm not going to sit here listening to your whining all day." A few moments later a slightly flustered Karen flew down the steps coming to stand in front of her maid.

"You look here, you work for me; that means I make the rules, and if I say you will eat dog food, you will, if I say you live outside with the rest of the animals, you do and therefore if I tell you that you'll listen to me moan, you will without any complaint. Capheche?"

"Watch out for glass in your bed Lady!" Though the words were spoken roughly, a small smile tugged at the maid's lips. She'd never change her employer for anything, and she was just so happy to see things returned to what passed for normal in the family. She'd hated seeing Karen ill as much as everyone else.

"Oh Rosie, I love your little jokes Honey, they always break the mood. How do I look?" Karen spun around slowly showing off her dark blue pencil skirt and jacket, beneath which she wore a pale blue shirt; the first few buttons undone just enough to show some cleavage, but not to seem provocative. Most would sneer at her asking her maid for fashion advice, but then she never usually worried what other's thought.

"Sophisticated and smart, as always Miss Karen." Rosario smiled at the slight blush on the other women's cheeks. Karen was getting better at hiding her emotions, but she hadn't managed to disguise them all, not yet anyway.

"Let's not forget rich Honey!" Karen grinned at her maid, before moving to the door, looking calmer than she had before. "I should be back before five; Olivia needs taking to her dance class. Oh, could you see that Mason does any homework before he snacks, he keeps getting distracted and I'm worried about his education, that school doesn't seem to be teaching them anything!"

"Relax, he's only six, now go before I have to sling your sorry ass out of the door!"

"Yes Sir, right away Sir!" Another grin and salute and she disappeared out into the hallway, her custom made heels clicking on the flooring, leaving a bemused Rosario in her wake. She loved messing with her head, it was so much fun.

:kw:

The Puck Building at 295 Lafayette loomed large before her as she stepped out of the Limo, and began walking towards the location of Grace Adler Designs. On the way up she considered how she was to act, because it would be an act after all. The elevator ride seemed to take forever, and yet she still hadn't decided on a façade by the time she reached the right floor.

A quick look at her Rolex told her she was exactly on time, and she knew she couldn't wait around much longer. Deciding to just go by what this Grace Adler did, Karen approached the office door with slight hesitation. It was strange how much this job of assistant to an up and coming designer appealed to her.

She knocked on the door and receiving no answer stepped cautiously through. The office was smaller than she'd expected; a large table took up most of the space just off the centre of the room, with two smaller desks at different ends, one of which she suspected was for the assistant. Fabrics of every colour and texture covered all available surfaces, making it obvious that the designer had only just moved in. All that was missing from the room was the designer herself. There was no noise in the office, save the occasional whirring of the computer and her own breathing, nothing to indicate that there was anyone else in the vicinity.

If she were anyone else, Karen would have thought she had the wrong date or time, but she wasn't anyone else, and Rosario never got an appointment wrong, so she'd just have to wait until Miss Adler showed up.

Unsure where to wait, Karen finally decided on the chair beneath the first desk, it being the only one with less than three swatch books on it. Just as she sat down, having moved the books to stand in a rather precarious pile, the shrill ringing of a phone filled the silence of the room, causing her to jump in surprise, and instinctively reach for it, momentarily forgetting where she was.

"Hello, can I help?"

"Erm…Hi, I'm looking for…hang on is that Karen, Karen Walker?" The voice on the end of the phone sounded familiar to her, but she couldn't quite place it, she did know a lot of people though, and not all of them were the kind you wanted to know.

"Depends on who's asking." Karen replied, her voice hesitant.

"It's Michael, you know, we met at Dan and Bev's get-together last summer for Shirley's opening?" Michael sounded quite excited to speak to her, and as he continued she suddenly placed him, he was actually someone she did want to know. Rich and powerful in the right circles.

"Oh hey Honey! How've you and Jules been?"

"Oh we're good. You and Stan doing well? We haven't seen the two of you much recently, you missed one hell of a party the other month, Francine bought out a chain of private businesses and doubled her value!" Karen realised that if she were to tell anyone what had actually been going on in her life, now would be the time to start, but she found that she didn't really want anyone else to know, it was private and personal, and she didn't want it to be the gossip of those circles.

"Oh, well Stan's been busy with the business, those millions don't make themselves, well actually they do, but…" She trailed off, giggling loudly. "Now what can I do for you Mike? I'm guessing you had a reason for phoning."

"Oh, right, yeah, I was actually looking for a designer to do the new country house, I thought I was phoning a new designer to find out if they knew anyone bigger, but I guess I hit the wrong numbers." Figuring that if she could show that she'd already gotten a client, it might give her interview a little boost, Karen was quick to reassure him, not knowing that Grace Adler had been standing in the doorway almost from the start of the call.

"No Honey, you've got the right number; Grace Adler Designs right?"

"Yeah, that's the one, hey, so you work there then?" Michael sounded confused, and she wasn't surprised, no one expected her to work, she didn't need the money at all, and she'd never shown an interest before.

"Well not exactly Honey, I'm waiting for an interview, but this designer does appear to be up and coming, I mean there's loads of fabric and colours here, and what she's done with this place is amazing. Really there's no need to look any further!" She lied through her teeth, looking around at the cardboard boxes and the cracking walls.

"Well okay then, if you can vouch for her, tell her I'll expect her at five o'clock Monday morning to discuss the place. You remember where we are right? Don't be a stranger yourself, bring Stan by sometime, and we'll make it a party. Speak soon."

"Yeah bye Honey!" As the dialing tone reached her ears, she placed the receiver back on the cradle and begun a hunt for a pen and paper.

"Here you go." A female voice spoke from beside her, and placed both items in front of her.

"Oh, thanks Honey." Karen said without looking up. Suddenly she jumped realizing she'd been alone only moments ago. "Wait… what… how?" Unable to finish a sentence, she settled for staring in shock at the red head.

"Hi, I'm Grace Adler, I'm assuming you're Karen Walker." Grace held her hand out in front of her, a small smile on her lips. She liked this woman already, there was just something about her, the name seemed familiar to her, but she couldn't place it.

"Oh, um yeah that's me, nice to meet you." Karen chuckled nervously as she accepted the hand shake; she wondered how much the woman had seen.

"So, was that someone for me, or do you already have yourself listed here?" Grace laughed at her own joke, and Karen felt the tension within her dissipate.

"Oh no Honey, that was for you, an old friend of mine actually, and he wants to meet you Monday to talk about decorating his country house. Actually you could probably work on his town house flat and Georgian mansion, because if they're still like the last time I saw them, they could really use some work!"

"Wow, you have been busy. Who is he?"

"Oh sorry; Michael Howard." Karen said standing up, not knowing what reaction the words would inspire.

"The Michael Howard? The Millionaire?" Grace watched the brunette in disbelief, if she'd really managed to get him as a client, there was no way Grace was going to hire anyone else as an assistant.

"Multi-millionaire, yeah Honey, that Michael." Karen replied honestly, not quite understanding what the big deal was, but then again, she'd seen the Clintons after they'd drunk a little too much, so not a lot fazed her anymore.

"WOW! I mean WOW! You know, I think we can just do away with the interview, it only wastes time anyway; you're hired! Welcome to Grace Adler Designs, call me Grace and I think we'll get a long great!"

"Oh that's great Honey! Call me Karen, when do I start?" She couldn't believe it had been that easy, she hadn't even had to be someone she wasn't. She couldn't wait to tell the Stan and the children, and Rosie wouldn't have to listen to her moaning tonight after all.

Grace opened her mouth to answer, when the door slammed into the wall and a tall man in a suit came bursting in, cutting her off.

"You left this in the apartment Gracie! I swear, if I didn't dress you myself you'd come out in your pajamas!" He handed Grace a bright green handbag, and turned back to the door, seeing Karen for the first time. They both stood looking at each other for several seconds, unsure what to say or do, until Grace broke the moment.

"Oh Karen, this is my best friend Will Truman. Will, this is my new assistant Karen Walker." Karen extended her hand in greeting, but Will watching her in shock.

"Karen Walker, the Karen Walker, the one married to Stanley Walker?"

A large smile crept over her face as she thought of her husband.

"Yeah Honey that's me, you know Stan?"

"Everyone knows Stan Walker; he's the owner of a Multi-million company! His face and name are all over the city! Wait, if you're his wife, why are you working for Grace, you guys are loaded!"

Grace once again looked star-struck and Will was still standing staring, his mouth hanging slightly open. Karen could tell it would be fun working here.

"I don't know Honey; I guess I just wanted something to keep me grounded and busy."

The two seemed to accept that, and Karen settled in to watch as the two of them began finishing each other's sentences, they were the perfect example of an old married couple. If one of them wasn't gay that is.

_: end flashback :_


	4. No Place Like

_Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays,  
'Cause no matter how far away you roam  
If you want to be happy in a million ways  
For the holidays, you can't beat home, sweet home._  
(Home for the Holidays, Perry Como)

 

Most memories of the children held happiness for her, but it was the special occasions, the birthday's celebrated just by the four of them, the Halloweens where a ghost and a realistic pumpkin would drag her around the city all night to knock on stranger's doors, but the ones she secretly treasured, were the early Christmases, when the children were young. That had been her favourite time of the year in those days.

She'd not always enjoyed Christmas. As a small child she'd been filled with the same awe and excitement that everyone else was, but after her father's death, the day had lost its magic for her, just as she had lost her childhood. And her first marriages hadn't heralded any children, though she hadn't realised at the time that that made a difference. With Stanley's children she'd found her long forgotten Christmas Spirit, with the family together for the day, it had always brought them closer together. She had yet to have as good a holiday as they used to.

_: flashback :_

"Come on Karen! Hurry up! I want to open my presents this side of New Years!" Twelve year old Olivia shouted at her Step-mother. She'd been bouncing in the doorway for fifteen minutes waiting for Karen to get dressed and go down to the main lounge, where she knew there'd be piles of presents just waiting for her. She loved Christmas, even more now, than when she'd been little, and not because they had more money now, so bigger toys, but because it never started with an argument like they did when her Mother and Father had been married. Her dad and Karen argued, but never like that, and never on the holidays. The only thing she hated was how long it took her Step-Mother to get dressed. Sure it was only half six, but she wasn't a bit tired.

"Okay, okay, jeeze Honey, they're not going to go anywhere, and you know Mason and your Dad will still be eating their breakfast, so what's the rush?" Karen entered the bedroom from her closet as she spoke, her hair perfectly styled, her make-up flaw-less, her shiny black pencil skirt, and a deep red v-neck jumper very fitting with the season.

"I know, but you take so long! It never takes me this long to get ready! Or Rosie, she's done in about five minutes!" Olivia sighed in resignation as instead of heading for the door, Karen sat at her dressing table.

"Yes sweetie, but Rosario only has one outfit! And you, well come here and look at you, did you even brush your hair this morning?" Karen criticized her step-daughters hair; it reminded her of Grace's, but much better styled, usually anyway.

Olivia did as asked, she never knew, she might get downstairs faster. Besides, she secretly loved the moments when Karen got all maternal. She hid it well, behind complaints, but Olivia knew these moments for what they were. With no second seat, she allowed herself to be placed on Karen's lap, even though she knew she was getting too big for it. She loved that Mason, even two years younger than her, could no longer do this, he was definitely his Father's son, and had long ago grown too big for Karen's petite frame to hold.

"Honey, this is called a brush, you use it to get rid of all those knots and tangles in your hair." As she spoke, Karen held out the brush and began running it softly through the girls hair. When she'd finished she was left with a mass of frizzy auburn curls. Dropping the brush and finding a small can of mousse, she rubbed some in hoping to tame the curls.

Olivia watched in amazement and happiness as her hair began to fall in perfect lockets around her face and down her back, without the use of any curlers. She'd always wanted straight hair like Karen's, but looking at her own now, she wouldn't change it for the world.

When Karen stopped, putting the brush and mousse back into their respective draws, Olivia turned, throwing her arms around her Step-Mother.

"Thanks Mom."

Since Mason had used a similar word after finding out about her illness, the children rarely used it again, content in calling her Karen, or Kare. But occasionally one of them would let it slip out, and as amazing as it was, as much as it made her heart stop and jump into her throat whenever she heard it, it always sounded natural, and never forced.

When Olivia pulled away, Karen smiled brightly down at her, her features softening and one of her hands coming up to brush a few of the curls behind her ears and out of her face.

"You're welcome Curley"

Olivia giggled at the favored nickname, and jumped up off of Karen, her hear bouncing around her shoulders.

"Are we ready now? Can we go down, please?" She was back to jumping up and down in the doorway. Karen laughed at her.

"Sure we can, wouldn't want to keep the boys waiting any longer." And she followed her Step-daughter down to the lounge.

:kw:

Wrapped packages flowed out from beneath the six foot tree like a rainbow river. Parcels of all shapes and sizes were stacked around the floor. Olivia ran to join her brother on the floor, and Karen smiled as she sat down on one of the sofas beside Stan, pausing to give him a sweet kiss, before leaning back into the cushions and watching as the children tore their gifts apart. She hoped they liked what she'd gotten them this year, she'd put a lot of thought into it.

An hour later and there were two neat piles of gifts in the centre of a Christmas bomb-site. Unraveled ribbon hung from the lights and picture frames, hundreds of bows lay scattered about the room, all beneath a sea of coloured paper. In amongst it all sat two uncommonly dismal children. It wasn't that they hadn't gotten everything that they'd asked for in the last year, they had, but what they hadn't got, what they had noticed when opening the hundreds of presents, was that they didn't have their annual gift that Karen picked and bought herself, without any help from their Father or her friends. They always looked forward to that present, both saving it till last, to make the moment longer. It was always something they had never asked for, but that they needed, or had secretly wanted, and it always reminded them that their Step-Mother paid more attention to them than she let on most days. This year however, that present was noticeably missing, and it had created a storm cloud above their heads.

Karen watched them from her seat, knowing the reason behind their grim expressions. Getting up quietly, she reached beneath the sofa, pulling out two small boxes, one wrapped in green with a red bow, and one in red with a green bow. The two children were looking at the floor between them and neither saw her approach nor the soft smile on their Father's face as he watched the scene play out.

Dropping down until she was sitting between them, Karen placed one box in front of each of them. Their gazes moved swiftly from the floor to the presents to her face, and she smiled sweetly at them.

"You didn't really think I'd forgotten did you?" She would have fallen over as two bodies hit her own, had she not been prepared. She held them close for a few moments, until she could feel them shifting in her embrace, and then released them to open their presents, staying on the floor beside them.

Being the oldest, and having the most self-control, Olivia nodded to her brother, and watched as Mason tore open his gift. Nestled within the box was a white gold bracelet. The chain-like links joined on either side of a small flat strip. Leaning closer, Olivia could see the indentations of an inscription on the strip, but was unable to read it from that angle. Karen saved her the trouble of having to ask, as she leant across, ad removed it from the box, taking Mason's right wrist, and securing it there.

"Diligo mos nunquam intereo ut memoria ago in." They waited for her to provide a translation, but she merely turned to face Olivia and nodded towards her own box.

Curious now at what she could have, and slightly jealous of her brother's present, Olivia tore into her own box. Looking into the velvet lining, she found a small white gold band. Upon which was what she first thought to be a pattern, but was in fact the same inscription as Mason's bracelet held. She looked at Karen in shock and watched as her right hand was raised and the ring slide delicately on her ring finger. Karen continued to hold her hand, and went to pick up one of Masons, repeating the Latin inscription.

"Diligo mos nunquam intereo ut memoria ago in. 'Love will never die when the memory lives on'." Stan came to sit behind his wife, twisting the ring similar to his daughter's he had on his own finger, and the family embraced as one, with Karen in the middle, a place where she found she was happiest.

_: end flashback :_


	5. Belong To Each Other

_'Cause of you I forgot the smart ways to lie  
Because of you I'm running out of reasons to cry  
When the friends are gone, when the party's over  
We will still belong to each other_  
(Underneath Your Clothes, Shakira)

 

The years had passed so fast after that, the children had grown into teenagers, leaving her and Stan far behind as they raced for adult hood. In the time, she'd met and hopelessly fallen for Jack McFarland; his innocence reminded her of how Olivia and Mason had been, his reliance on her for money made her feel needed in a way she'd missed. Of course they'd soon moved passed the money; the only person closer to her had been Stan. Jack was her best friend, and she wouldn't want to trade that friendship for anything, not even for more time. It wouldn't be worth it, Jack, Will and Grace had become such a large part of her life in such a short period of time. It had taken longer for her to feel comfortable with Grace. Jack had bounced straight in, improper touches and all, and they'd never really needed to work on development, it had happened all by its self and of course they'd fallen out, but it never took much to bring them back together. But with Grace, she'd found that it had taken far more work and she regretted that she hadn't made a greater effort earlier. The first time she'd really let her in, was a time that still scared her, regardless of everything that had happened since.

_: flashback :_

She looked at Stanley's ring, the inscription she'd had placed there, mocked her, she wasn't supposed to be the one looking at it. It was never supposed to be her, they all knew that. It shouldn't be Stan in the hospital bed, hooked up to monitors.

She'd had no preparation for seeing him when she'd first arrived, tubes and wires had covered every visible area of skin, monitors beeped constantly in the background, and her Husband lay in the middle of it all, the colour drained from his face, and perspiration on his brow. For the first time she'd thought about what he must have felt seeing her like that all those years before. She'd been so scared before they'd told her the truth of his condition. Scared that she'd lose him, they'd never been any doubt that she loved him completely, but in that moment, watching every rise and fall of his chest, praying the next wouldn't be the last, she'd known she'd never be able to live without him. Not really live. Losing Stan didn't mean losing the money, didn't mean losing her lifestyle, not to her. No, it meant losing her family, losing everything she held dear. The children would move away with their real Mother, and she'd be left alone with an empty fortune.

"Oh Stanley, you and your pudgy little fingers." She finally broke down. With none of the others around her, and now that she could stop pretending, her walls crumbled and she lowered her head, tears dripping onto the ring. She almost missed the sound of the door opening, and probably would have, had Grace not spoken as she entered.

"Karen, I just want to apolo... oh, I'm... I...I'll leave." Grace flustered, reaching for the door handle, surprised and saddened to see her friend so upset, her guilt intensifying as she realised that whilst they'd been betting and joking, Karen probably had needed someone to lean on.

Karen sniffed and brushed away her tears, looking up briefly to see the guilt and sadness in Grace's eyes. Maybe just this once she could show someone else that no matter what she said, Karen Walker did many emotions, especially when it came to her family.

"No, no don't."

Grace was surprised by the words, and the pleading behind them, and she stepped away from the door, moving closer to Karen.

"I really thought I was going to lose him Grace. It's funny, you go through life pretty much alone, and then you meet someone and you hit it off, you have some laughs, some tenderness, and then as quickly as it comes it's taken away. I don't know what I'd do without him Grace, he's everything to me." She couldn't hold back the tears any longer and they slipped silently down her cheeks.

Seeing the pain written in every inch of Karen's features, Grace did the one thing that always helped her when she was hurting. She moved closer to her assistant and pulled her into a tight embrace, her arms wrapping around Karen's small frame and her hands rubbing soothingly up and down her back.

Karen froze up at first, but as she felt the comfort being sent her way, she relaxed against Grace and just let it all pour out, not worrying that she'd have to face up to showing her weakness later.

The two stood there for several moments, until Karen regained her customary calm, and pulled out of the hug, smiling up at Grace.

"Thanks Honey, I needed that." She looked away, embarrassed at having broken down so completely. Grace ignored it, and began moving towards the door, knowing that Karen wanted some time alone.

"So does this mean I'm forgiven?" Karen looked up, a thankful look in her eyes.

"Sure honey, you're off the hook, as long as no one finds out about this."

Grace smiled mischievously as she closed the last distance between her and the door. "About what?"

"That's my girl."

The soft sound of the door hitting the frame as it closed behind Grace, was all the sound that remained in the room. Karen continued putting all of her and Stan's things into her bag, leaving the ring on her thumb, taking care not to let it fall off. When everything was packed up, she walked to the door adjoining to Stan's, pausing as she stepped through and found her husband, fully dressed, asleep on top of the covers. A sad smile settled on her face as she watched him sleep and her whispers were lost to the silence of the room.

"It's not your turn Stanley, I'm going first, and I'm going to be there waiting for you, don't you dare make it the other way around, because you wouldn't have long to wait."

_: end flashback :_


	6. Pretence of Perfection

_I can't do the walk  
I can't do the talk  
I can't be your friend  
Unless I pretend  
So give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it  
You give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it_

(Sewn, The Feeling)

She'd tried to make more of an effort to show her feelings at home, but she didn't think the others had ever found her lacking in private, so it hadn't been that great a change. She had carried on taking the children to their different clubs and teams; Olivia's kick-ball, Mason's swimming, and while she'd put on an act of indifference for anyone who looked, she made sure that they both knew how proud she was of them, and how much she cared about them. She'd started making more of an effort to join in when 'the gang' got together, but for most of the time, she'd been acting the part she had long before cast herself in.

She'd gotten much closer to Jack, able to tell him her secrets, and he knew far more about the truth of her home life than any of the others did then or now. She never told him about her condition, and she had begun to forget herself, of course it had always been there, in the back of her head, but she'd been living her life exactly the way she'd wanted, living for the day.

Will had been the only thing marring the togetherness of her life. After that first meeting, he'd lost his awe in her position and hadn't had much respect for her as a person. While Grace and Jack had happily accepted her apparent lack of emotions, Will just hadn't been able to, and so he'd made her into the epitome of evil without so much as a though. She'd known that, and it had hurt a bit, knowing that instead of looking deeper, Will had simply found her not worth his time. Of course she'd not said anything, and she'd played along, not lying when she said she had a fake laugh all for him. She'd hoped that by persuading Stan to sign Will's firm as their lawyers, it'd close some of the gap between them, but it hadn't, not really, and slowly she'd begun to accept that. She was Jack and Grace's friend, as Will was, and they were little more than client and help to each other.

They'd stayed in those roles for almost two years before anything had changed. Of course a lot of things had changed following that time, and perhaps the only good thing that had come out of it was that it had finally broken through the barriers between her and Will. But then, that was bitter compensation for finding your husband being put away for tax evasion.

_: flashback :_

The two FBI agents preceded them out of the office, unfazed by the reactions of the two people behind them. Having gotten over the initial embarrassment of having to pull his trousers back up, Will had listened intently to everything the two officials had said, completely shocked at what he was hearing. How could a man already worth hundreds of millions be stupid enough to avoid taxes? It hadn't been until the agents had told them to follow, that Will realised he'd had his arm around Karen the whole time. Looking into her face he could see the shock and worry still there, it amazed him how human she looked in that moment. They'd never gotten on, happy to both ignore and besmirch each other, but he found that right now, his opinions were changing. It seemed the Ice Queen had feelings after all.

Karen allowed herself to be lead out of the office, her mind whirring; how was she supposed to do it without Stan? Strangely, she found Will's presence comforting; grounding and it stopped her from feeling completely alone.

Her pager went off within her garter, the vibration a reminder that she had pills to take. The sudden reminder brought back thoughts of the disease slowly eating away at her and her mood changed to anger. How could Stan do this to her? He'd promised to always be there for her, through it all, and then he went and did something stupid. She hadn't believed it at first, her Stanley wouldn't break the law, he wouldn't jeopardise his family for something as inconsequential as a bit more money, but as the agents had continued, the pieces had begun falling into place. The late nights at the office, the whispered phone calls in the middle of the night that he would later claim never happened. He'd become more secretive, hiding more and more from her, but she'd just gone along with it, expecting the phase to end soon, and things to return to normal. But now she realised that it would not go back to normal, not for a good long time, and that scared her almost as much as the possibility of his death years before had done. After all, she had lost him in a way, and she couldn't see the children staying with the father in prison. She'd lost it all anyway.

: kw :

The Manse was crawling with field agents, and she watched in mute horror as they bulldozed through her home without a second thought. Drawers were searched, their content littered across the floor, furniture was overturned, pictures removed from the walls. She watched as her life was torn apart in front of her, every movement echoing the destruction she felt inside. She was glad the children weren't home, but she dreaded the inevitable conversation. She didn't know how she was going to break it to them, they worshiped their Father as much as she had, she couldn't stand to be the bearer of this news, but she would be, that was her job, her role in the family. She always gave the bad news.

She waited until Will was busy arguing with one of the agents over the necessity of confiscating the contents of the wall safes, before slipping out of the main room; she climbed the stairs, and carried on walking until she reached her closet. Falling onto the chaise lounge, she finally allowed the shock to slide away and the real emotions to surface. She didn't cry, as confused as she was, she couldn't hold on to one emotion long enough for it to manifest physically. So she simply sat in the quite of the room, surrounded by all the clothes she'd ever owned, and stared unseeingly at the far wall, her mind far away, and yet stuck firmly in the present.

She didn't notice Will's arrival until he sat down beside her, his voice bringing her out of her reverie.

"How you doing?" His voice was soft, a tone she rarely heard from him aimed at her.

"Oh, I'm fine Honey! My Husband's been taken away and he'll be gone for God knows how long, I've got to tell his Kids that their Dad's leaving and they're gonna be taken out of the house to go live with their Mother and I'm gonna be here on my own. Oh I don't think the day could get any better!" The sarcasm was so biting that Will flinched.

"Karen, you don't have to pretend with me, I want to help." He laid a hand on her arm, unconsciously sliding closer to her on the seat.

She finally turned to look at him, her face a mix of emotions with no one taking precedence.

"What do you want me to do Will? You want me to break down and cry? Scream and throw things around the room? Swear and yell at what a Bastard Stan is? Or maybe just drink myself into a coma? But then you wouldn't care really would you, you never have before. Oh, but wait, it doesn't matter anyway does it, because I'm Karen Walker, and I don't do that, I don't do emotions do I? So none of this hurts me, none of this feels like someone has pulled a rug out from under me. Why should it, I've never cared about any of it before? That's right isn't it, that's how you all _really_ see me." She broke off, gasping in short breaths, angry at herself for revealing so much.

Will looked stunned, his mouth hanging open uselessly. He'd never realised how much they'd underestimated Karen.

"Karen, I…" He began, trying to find something, anything to respond with.

"Look, Honey, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. It's my fault you see me that way, I never really made an effort to be anything else. It's just, it's been a long day and I want to be alone for a bit. Have the agents left now?" Her head was killing her, and she was long past the scheduled time for her medication. She really didn't want to get into this now.

"Oh, yeah they have. Look Karen, I'll go, but just, just remember that you're not really alone, okay? You've still got Grace and Jack, and you've got me, when ever you need us, let us help you okay?" He sounded as sincere as he felt, and as he spoke he started leaving the room. Karen didn't answer with more than a nod, but he hadn't really expected much else, he left her to herself, and headed home, wondering what he was going to tell Gracie.

Karen was grateful for Will's words, she really was, but in some things she was more alone than he knew. None of them knew everything, and she'd have to deal with those things alone. But she'd survive, it's what she did, it's what she always did.

_: end flashback :_


	7. Open Wide And Holding On

_'Cause the love that you gave that we made  
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide,  
And every time you speak her name  
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me  
Until you died, but you're still alive_  
(You Oughta Know, Alanis Morissette)

It had been an amazing year after that, definitely not in the good way. She'd sat still, trying for uncaring as her Step-children were taken from her, of course she'd told Grace that she hadn't wanted them around anyway, but underneath the layers of make-up, her heart had been screaming in pain. They'd all told her to visit him; she knew they couldn't understand why she hadn't wanted to visit Stan in prison. But she had been so angry with him at first, and then later, when she'd finally admitted to herself that she did miss him, she still hadn't truly been able to forgive him for leaving her alone, especially once his sentence had been extended.

She'd found herself drinking more that year too, but there really hadn't been anything else to come home to. When the end of the day came, and Grace locked up, she'd spend as long as she could away from the emptiness of the Manse, even if it meant spending more time in Will and Grace's apartment. She'd often wondered if they'd noticed just how many meals she'd shared with them at that time, she guessed they hadn't, they'd not said anything, after all, and it wasn't like any of them not to mention that. She'd just been so lonely, and since it wasn't her thing to let others know, she'd kept it to herself. It would have been nice for someone to have noticed, anyone, but they hadn't, and she'd found that unconsciously she'd been trying to project that. Lionel was proof enough that she'd just wanted someone to notice her again, even though she'd known it was wrong, and they hadn't really done anything. It had just felt nice to have someone care for her, in the way Stan always had before.

And then Stan had come back. It had happened so suddenly she'd had little time to process it. Of course she'd been so happy to have him home once again, but they'd both changed over the time they'd spent apart, and things hadn't been quite the same. She'd ignored it though, in favour of celebrating that she was once again getting her family back, with Mason and Olivia moving back, looking back she wished she had paid more attention to the differences, maybe then she wouldn't have had so large a shock when her world fell apart once again, she thanked the year of independence for her ability to hold herself together, and she didn't like to think of how it would have been if she'd fallen apart then and there.

_:flashback :_

She looked deep into the martini she held, hoping the ripples created by her shaking hand would provide the answers she so desperately needed, to the questions she couldn't bring herself to ask.

She barely remembered the actions of the past half hour; after she looked through those doors it was as if nothing else could enter her mind, and the images replayed over and over in her head like a film strip. She didn't think she'd ever forget the sight of her husband having sex with someone else, of her husband holding someone else close, his hand on someone else's breast, on top of the desk they'd picked out together when they'd first bought the house, the desk they had christened together in much the same way.

She knew the _other woman_ had left. She recalled hearing the sound of cheap heels hitting the hallway before the front door slammed shut. She knew Jack had lead her into her bedroom, knew she'd sent him away, wanting to be alone. She didn't think he understood why she'd moved quickly from the bedroom to her closet, but she couldn't be sure that it was only her and Stan's bed any longer, and it had been too painful to look at.

Shut away amongst her favourite clothes, she found that even her drink held no interest to her, besides somewhere to rest her gaze. She didn't look up when the sound of the closet door opening and closing reached her ears, nor when she felt Stan's presence in the room, continuing instead to lose herself in the pale liquid.

Stan waited by the door, half hoping and half dreading that she'd raise her gaze to him. When he could take no more of the accusing silence and unfamiliar avoidance, he moved closer to her, careful to keep a slight distance; Karen had a strong punch when she was angry.

"Karen, I…" She looked up, cutting off his words as for the first time since his dirty secret had been discovered, he truly saw her. It wasn't anger he could see in her features, but the terrifying defeat he'd only seen once before during the hard week of her treatment.

She stared hard into his eyes, searching for any signs that her assumptions were wrong. That her marriage hadn't really reached its expiry date. She could see nothing of the man she'd fallen in love with time and again. At some point that man had changed, turning into the one standing before her, and she found she couldn't remember the change.

Knowing they couldn't continue this way she began to speak, aware that her words and Stan's response would determine so much of the rest of her life.

"How long?" She didn't elaborate, and Stan didn't require any more from her, he knew he couldn't feign ignorance of the question, but he knew what the answer would cause.

However much he'd ignored it, he'd known that one day he'd have to face-up to his wife, he still wasn't sure himself why he'd done it, perhaps it had just felt nice to have someone notice him, Karen hadn't visited in such a long time, and he really had been lonely.

"A few months, we met while I was in Prison." Seeing the first signs of anger on Karen's face, Stan rushed to continue. "I was lonely Kare! You weren't there; you don't know what it was like for me all alone in that place, and then she came along, and Karen, she made me feel special again. I was just so alone." He stopped, turning away, and Karen watched, her anger melting to pure pain. So he blamed her for everything.

Her voice was soft when she spoke, lower than he was used to and he found himself inexplicably drawn back to watching her.

"Maybe you're right Stan. Maybe I don't know what it was like for you in there, but you have no idea what it was like for me either. I may have had people around me, but do you have any idea how lonely _I_ was? When you went away you took the kids with you too. I was left here on _my_ own and you know what? I was lonely too, and I had offers, but in the end, I believed in us too much to throw it all away just to feel special for one moment. I knew that your love was the only thing that could make me feel as special as you always have. At least I thought I knew. Yes, I came so close to giving up on us, but I know that I would never have been able to go through with it, even though you'd given me permission, because this marriage means so much to me. But I can see now that it's not the same for you, because it wasn't just a one time thing." She broke off, fixing her eyes straight on his own, knowing what she had to do, what she had to say, but wishing it could be any other way than this.

Stan still said nothing, Karen's speech had shocked him silent, the delivery so calm, and yet it hit with the strength of a storm.

"Stanley, I love you, God I love you so much it hurts now, and I think that if you'd said this had been the first time, if I could have passed it off as a one time mistake, a slip, then I could have worked through that, we could have worked through that. But it wasn't once was it? If it's been months, then I can't even pretend that you didn't know what you were doing."

"Karen what are you…" Stan's faint question was cut off by Karen, her free hand coming up in front of her.

"Bup, bup, bup. Honey I need to finish this. Once, maybe I could have forgiven, but this is too much Stan, you've lied to me, you've cheated on me, but you know, worst of all, you've betrayed me, not just by treating our marriage like a sham, but because you promised me that I wouldn't have to go through any of this alone. But I have, and I will, because I can't see us moving past this, I don't even think you really want us to. I love you Stanley Walker, I always will, but I can't stay here with you anymore." As much as it was hurting her to think of actually leaving him, she knew it would kill her to stay after what had happened, and really, she couldn't be too sure that he would want to stay with her anyway. With one last look around her closet, she stepped close to Stan until she could feel his body heat, and her heart ached to be wrapped in it once again. Reaching up on to the tips of her toes, she leant in and placed a final kiss to his lips, before turning away and walking out of the closet she could no longer lay claim to. She didn't turn back, and so never saw the look of bereavement on the face of the man she could no longer call _her_ husband.

The look was only there for a moment, before he shook his head, and moved to leave the room himself, there was a part of him deep down that was screaming at how wrong he had been, but the rest of him ignored it. He wasn't alone, he had his money, he had Lorraine now, and he had his Kids. He just had to find a way to tell them.

: kw :

She stepped off the elevator and could have smiled at the sight of Jack holding his broom close. She could see the pity in his eyes already, and it was almost too much, so she looked away quickly, moving to sit at the only free table at Jacques.

"Hi Jackie." Her voice was soft in the still corridor.

"Hi, Kare. I hope you're not hungry. The kitchen just closed." He watched her as she sat, aware that she was avoiding him. He'd been thinking of what he'd seen since leaving her at the Manse. Part of him wished he'd never forced her into going there to see Stan at all. But the rest of him knew it was better she'd found out this way. He still couldn't believe it himself, he never would have expected Stan, of all people to cheat on Karen.

"No, it's ok." Silence filled the hall for a moment as they both became lost in their thoughts. "It's quiet tonight."

"Well…a holiday." Jack stopped, moving another chair to the table and seating himself facing Karen. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Oh yeah, Bourbon on the rocks." Karen answered, needing something to give her the courage to move forward.

"Oh, we don't have a liquor licence." He looked truly apologetic, and she wondered why he really thought she'd need him to have one.

"I do." And she bent to remove a glass and bottle from her bag. The movement allowed her the time to compose herself. She knew she'd have to tell someone what had happened, she couldn't keep it to herself much longer, she could already feel her control slipping.

With the familiar drink in her hand she finally looked up, facing Jack, the words becoming real as she spoke them.

"It's been going on for months. She works in the prison cafeteria." Stan hadn't told her that, but as she said it, she remembered seeing the prison's badge on the shirt that had been flung carelessly over one of the standing lamps in Stan's study.

"The hairnet... the pork chops... how can I compete with that? Apparently, she had him at jello." Her breath caught as she finished, and she took another gulp of her drink, the liquid burning her throat a grim echo of the tears burning the back of her eyes.

"So, uh, what are you gonna do?" Jack was almost certain what she should do, but he wasn't sure if he could really see her doing it.

"Well... Honey, I left him." Her voice cracked, and Jack watched in shock, his heart aching to see her like this. It took everything he had not to run over to the Manse and beat some sense into the idiot that was Stan.

"Sorry…" The elevator doors opening stopped him from saying more, and he couldn't help but stare as Karen poured her drink into each of the two children's pumpkins, their chorus of 'Trick or Treat' producing an irony he had to appreciate.

: kw :

The elevator doors closed once again as the children left to search another floor, not understanding the depressed atmosphere they had just left behind.

Sitting at the table, Karen's gaze remained averted from Jack's, not wanting to see the emotions she knew would be there in his eyes.

The silence stretched, and her thoughts circled; she had left him, this time it had been partly her own actions that lead to the loss of her family.

Jack watched her, his own thoughts centred on the revelation; for once his attention was firmly focussed on Karen. He knew he couldn't truly understand what it must have been like for her. He, himself, had been on every end of an affair, but he'd never been married to the person for ten years, and he'd never loved them the way he was sure Karen did Stan. Of course she'd rarely said anything, but you needed only to watch her face light up at the mention of her husband to know that there was love there.

Unable to keep her emotions in check any longer, Karen raised her hands to her face, attempting to shut both the world out and herself in.

She jumped as strong arms wrapped around her and she felt herself being pulled from the chair, up against a warm body. She gave into the comfort of Jack's embrace, and cried desperate tears against his chest. What was she going to do without Stan and the children?

Jack was surprised at how she'd responded to his presence, and he hugged her tighter as he felt the sobs wracking her tiny frame. Knowing that they wouldn't remain unseen much longer if they stayed there, and being certain that Karen would hate for anyone to see her actually feeling anything, he lifted her carefully, and cradling her against him, he moved into his apartment, the door shutting just as the elevator opened once more emitting Grace and Will.

He moved to his bed and gently deposited Karen on it, moving to lay himself down beside her, and pulling her close once more. He didn't know what to say, or how to help, so he simply held her and whispered what he hoped were words of comfort in her ear.

Jack's words broke through her outburst, and she felt herself calming to his smooth voice. She still didn't know how she'd survive without Stan, but she would, and she'd have her friends around her to help. Snuggling into Jack's side she cleared her mind of all thoughts and feelings, a skill she'd never been more grateful to her mother for making her learn, and allowed his voice to push her into sleep. It would be hard, but she would get through. She was Karen Walker, it's what she did.

_: end of flashback :_


	8. Missed But Not Forgotten

_God knows how I miss you  
All the hell that I been through  
The only thing that gives me hope  
Is I know I'll see you again some day_  
(Who You'd Be Today, Kenny Chesney)

 

It was hard those following months. She'd found herself constantly expecting to go home to Stan, only to come down from a high to realise she wasn't with him anymore. She'd hoped, in the first few days after she'd spent the night with Jack, that Stan would turn up at Grace's office and drag her back home. It had been a silly dream, she'd known it at the time too, but it had been her dream nonetheless one that had died a particularly painful death when Beverly told her, not without some enjoyment, that he'd seen Stanley's new woman eating dinner with him several times around town. Of course, she'd told no one thought she had thought about telling Jack. He'd been so good to her, that first day, but then he'd met Lorraine and she'd been reminded of just how shallow he could be. Grace was busy with her own marriage and Will had been busy with his own life, so with no one to really turn to, she'd kept it all to herself. It wasn't that much of a change; she'd never been one to 'share' anyway. She'd simply upped her intake of pills and alcohol, so that neither the pain of her divorce, nor the inevitability of a relapse in her health, could affect her.

She hadn't seen the children much then either, they'd stayed with their Father, of course. She couldn't blame them for not finding time to see her, it had been term time, and she'd not kept the best hours herself. She'd moved into the Palace, and tried to enjoy being single once again. She'd come to accept her life without Stan, and had even begun to hope he had in fact found happiness, even if it wasn't with her. Then the divorce had formally begun.

It had hurt a little to realise Will wasn't going to be her lawyer but she'd understood the circumstances. Even though she'd signed on as Will's client, it had all been in Stan's name. She'd begun to realise just how much she'd actually done in Stan's name. She realised now that she shouldn't have been so surprised that he'd tried to contest the Pre-nuptial and cheat her out of what was rightfully, and legally hers, but it had hurt. After all, she'd hoped that even if he didn't want her to be his wife, he still cared about her enough to ensure she had money to live on.

It had been hard that final week of the divorce, watching him in the courtroom, her friend and her Husband against just her and Soupy. And just when things had reached the bottom, she'd made the mistake of commenting on how things couldn't possible have gotten worse.

Stan may have broken her heart, and left her alone one too many times, but she'd never really wanted him dead.

_: flashback :_

Karen stood alone in Stan's office. The last of his things still visible within the open cardboard box. The final one to be moved to storage. It hadn't been practical to leave most of his things in the Manse, without Stan they wouldn't have been used anyway.

She could barely stand to look at the room, the images it invoked were no longer of love and passion, but of betrayal and deceit.

Turning her back to the desk, she reached up atop the mantel for her drink; the smooth liquid sliding softly passed the lump in her throat.

For the first time in a long time she'd not had to fake her reaction in front of her friends. Her shock had been very real. She had barely begun accepting Stan's adultery, and now she was expected to be able to accept his death? She knew she wouldn't appear distressed to others, her walls and facades were too perfect for much emotion to show through. And truthfully, she didn't know herself exactly how she felt. Too much had happened over too short a period; just as she'd begun to believe things could not get worse, they had, twice. All she knew, all she was sure of, was that she was in mourning. Not solely for the death of her Husband, but for the death of her marriage too.

Just as she drained the last drop from her glass, she felt a presence behind her, in the doorway. She didn't need to turn to know who it was, she didn't want to see Rosario, not now, not whilst her emotions were close to the surface. If there was anyone who'd be able to see past the walls, it was her Rosie. The woman had been at her side for more years than she could remember, she had been completely honest when she'd told Jack that Rosario was her friend. She didn't like to think of living in a time where Rosie wouldn't be there, and she had to admit that the one silver lining to her disease was that she'd probably never have to. Trying to forcibly shake off her thoughts, she finally turned around, a sarcastic comment all ready on her tongue, but was stunned to silence to find Rosario looking at the box of Stan's things, her shaded glasses atop her head, and tears slipping slowly down her cheeks.

Karen had never seen the Salvadorian cry, not in all the time they'd known each other had she even seen her upset. Seeing her now almost pushed Karen over the edge too, but she couldn't let herself break down, not now, not when she obviously needed to be strong for Rosario. Moving silently, she placed the empty glass on the vacant desk, and stepped towards her maid.

"Rosie? Honey, what's wrong?" She didn't get much further before she found herself in a tight hold, as Rosario clung to her, hiding her face in her neck. It scared Karen to see her this way, and the action had been so sudden, she froze in place at first. Slowly she relaxed into the embrace, and rubbed comfortingly on Rosario's back.

"Honey, it's ok. Hey come on, tell me what's wrong. Please Rosie; you're starting to scare me." She tried several times, but the only response to her queries was the continued sobbing, and a spreading damp patch on her silk shirt.

Eventually, Rosario began to calm, her breaths coming in small hiccups. She was ashamed of her emotional outburst, more so because the one person she'd really not wanted to fall apart in front of, was the one person holding her now. She didn't know how she was going to explain herself, and so decided for denial, surely Miss Karen wouldn't really want to know anyway.

Karen felt Rosario pull away from her, and she loosened her hold, letting her go and expecting to finally have an explanation for the odd behaviour, but none came. She watched stunned as Rosario walked out of the door in silence. She remained staring sightlessly at the doorway, until she suddenly snapped out of her trance and ran to catch up with her maid, knowing instinctively where to find her.

:kw:

As expected, Karen found Rosario in the dining room, the cabinet containing the family silver; open in front of her, as she proceeded to polish each item individually. Karen had long since known of the release her maid got from mindless polishing. She didn't understand it, but she accepted it. After all, what was polishing to one person, was drinking to another, in the end it didn't matter what method you used, the result was always the same. Usually, however, Rosario would notice her entrance at once, jumping up to insult her and push her out of the room. This time, Karen was able to come to stand directly behind her, before she so much as noticed her presence. Even then the only acknowledgement she received was a shuddery sigh.

Sighing herself, Karen gracefully lowered herself to the floor, and moved until she sat in front of Rosario, her back to the silver. Leaning forward, she removed the cloth and Silver dish from Rosie's suddenly still hands, replacing them with her own smaller hands, and gave them a slight squeeze, drawing Rosario's gaze finally to her face. Karen allowed a soft smile onto her face as she began to talk, urging Rosario to trust her.

"Honey, what happened in there?" Rosario's eyes flickered away from her own, coming back to rest on her face again, only after she'd spoken.

"Nothing, forget it Miss Karen, isn't it time for your minutely martini?" The attempt in topic change did not go unnoticed by Karen, nor did the dig at her drinking habits, but she let them slide, knowing that this was more important than the truth behind that question.

"Rosie, in all the time I've known you I've never once seen you show any more emotion than I do, so don't tell me that this is nothing. Honey it took five minutes for you to calm down enough to leave, you were sobbing for pity's sake! Now I want to know what it was that could possibly have upset you that much in Stan's study…" She trailed off as she saw Rosario flinch at the use of her Husband's name, the pieces beginning to fit together in her mind.

"Rosie, this is all because of Stan isn't it? All the tears, the sobbing, it's because he's…you know." Even Karen couldn't say it out loud, not when Rosario grimaced at the mere implication of the word.

Looking around the room, Rosario could see no way out of this conversation, neither by physically moving out of the room, nor by talking around the issue, because her friend had her almost completely pegged, and it scared her that she could know her so well.

After waiting several moments, and still not receiving any response, she took the silence to be confirmation of her suspicions, and tugged on Rosario's hands, bringing her attention once more on herself.

"Honey, I know Stanley's death was unexpected, and I know that we'll all miss him, but you've got to think of it the same way you did all those years ago when I first told you about my illness." Leaning forward, and removing one of her hands, Karen reached into the top Rosario's uniform, her finger's searching for the necklace she knew she always wore tucked in there. Grasping it tightly, she pulled it out over the front, the long chain enabling her to hold it out before Rosario. The heart-shaped charm glittered in the room's light, the rays from the open window reflecting off the engraving in the gold, making it stand out even more, and emphasising the words as Karen repeated them.

"Diligo mos nunquam intereo ut memoria ago in." No one else knew that she'd given this necklace to her maid the same Christmas she'd given similar presents to the other members of her family, it had been their little secret for years.

Eventually pulling her gaze from the charm, to look at Rosario, she was shocked to see more tears in her eyes, and she suddenly felt pangs of guilt realizing that she had, instead of comforting, only upset her further. She opened and closed her mouth several times, uncaring that she resembled a fish, struggling to find something to say, having yet to drop her hold on Rosario's necklace.

Feeling a hand wrap around her own, Karen glanced once more to find Rosario holding her hand, an ironic mirror image of the other hand in which Karen's hand held Rosario's.

"I don't want to think about when you first told me about your…" She trailed off, taking a deep breath and continuing on, her voice barely above a whisper, and rough from emotion. "Mr Stan's death reminded me of just how quickly life passes, and I just thought about what the future will bring…what am I going to do without you Mammy?" Her voice broke with the last word, and she dropped her head, tears falling onto the cream carpet.

Karen felt her own tears slip down her cheeks, as her mind and heart processed Rosario's words. Unable to hold back any longer, she pulled herself towards Rosario and threw herself at her, both of them clinging to each other as they dealt with their overflowing emotions.

Without pulling back, Karen spoke through her uneven breathing, her words coming out surprisingly strongly.

"'Love will never die when the memory lives on', Honey, as long as you remember, you'll never be without me."

_:end flashback :_


	9. Decisions For The Record

_For what is a man, what has he got?  
If not himself then he has naught  
To say the things he truly feels  
And not the words of one who kneels  
The record shows I took the blows  
And did it my way_  
(My Way, Frank Sinatra)

Its funny how quickly life can move, when you want to slow down time, give yourself the chance to enjoy the moment, it passes like light, straight by you. She'd found this to be true in the months following Stanley's death. His death, Rosie's reaction even the children's reactions had thrown her right back into contemplating what would happen when her time was up. Stan was supposed to have been there to take care of everything, but he wasn't, so she'd decided to spend as much time as she could with her friends and family, hoping to drag out the days.

Grace had gone to Cambodia, a heroic attempt to save her marriage, especially for someone who had never been away from a Television for more than a few hours. Will had been a mess at first, and she'd watched him struggle to live without her, valiantly ignoring any parallels she could have made with the future. Jack had been...well Jack. He'd been partially there to listen to her problems or to fool around and have fun, but she wasn't sure if she had changed, or if he had, but she'd found herself wanting a deeper relationship with him, one that didn't consist or simply having a laugh. As much as she loved that, she'd found that she wanted to have moments like the one after she'd found out about Stan's affair. She didn't want to miss out on those moments just because she was too busy messing around all the time.

Then there had been Lyle Finster. Finster was a name she had, at one point, hoped never to hear again, unless it was in an obituary. Then she'd meet Lyle, and as mixed up and twisted as the idea had been, he'd made her feel special in a way that she hadn't since she'd stopped being enough for Stan. Here had been a man who gave up his newly reunited daughter for her, who had found out her place of work, and made several attempts to get her to date him. She hadn't been chased in such a long time, and she'd become so swept up in the feelings of being wanted, and being loved, that she'd not really considered the effects the relationship would have on her life. She'd not told Finny about her illness, there'd never really been a good time, and after her medical tests had shown nothing new, she'd simply decided to tell him if it ever became an issue, in honesty, she'd not expected the relationship to last that long anyway.

She'd been so grateful to Will for going with her to the doctors; of course he hadn't truly understood her aversion to anything medical. How could he have, when the reason for her fear sprung from experiences he'd never been told? It had been both a blessing and a curse when the results came back. She'd ensured years before, that on any results that would be sent to her, or any one else, nothing of her illness should show, and that if there were any new developments, she'd be told in person, or over the phone. It had been a decision not made lightly, but she'd not wanted the information to get into the wrong hands. So when the results had come back, she'd known they wouldn't show anything of any consequence, but a small part of her had hoped that they'd made a mistake and let something of her hidden medical background slip through. They hadn't, so the secrecy had stayed, and she'd continued on with her fast paced life. Grace had returned, Jack had become a certified nurse, and Finny had asked her to marry him. Things had finally seemed to be looking up; she should have known it had been too perfect.

Though she'd had her reasons, and she still believed that ultimately she'd made the right decision, she wished her latest marriage had lasted more than twenty minutes.

_: flashback :_

Caesar's Palace had turned out to be not nearly as tacky as she had first expected. The decorations were neither too garish nor too mundane, and Karen found that a blessing, for at that moment, the last thing she needed was to develop a headache because of poor design.

She knew she shouldn't have just left like that; walking out of her own wedding reception after asking for a divorce was so Vegas, and really it wasn't like her. But she'd listened to Lyle talk of all the things she'd given up to be with him, to be the perfect wife he wanted, and she'd realised that, she'd never changed so much for anyone before, and at this point in her life, she couldn't afford to be anyone other than herself. Sure she hid parts of her personality away from those around her, and yes she wasn't always herself around others, but to actually change as much as she had been just to make this marriage work…she couldn't let herself do that. She knew she would only come to hate herself and Finster in the future if she did.

She'd almost given up her friendship with Jack for him. Something she was grateful she'd been able to undo. Though it hadn't entirely been for her marriage that she'd tried to make Jack move on. She knew what the future would bring, and she'd thought that having him move on whilst she was still around, would make it that much easier for him when she wasn't. But it had hurt far too much to see him replace her so easily. They'd talked long into the night after that, and she knew that her temporary replacement would never have held Jacks heart as she did, but when he had asked again why she'd tried to break them up in the first place, she'd stuck to her excuse of her impending marriage. She couldn't handle it if Jack began to replace her while she was around again, which she was now sure he would do if she told him too early.

The sound of her suite door clicking closed alerted her for the first time that there was another presence in the room with her. Without turning from the bed where she was packing her small travel case, Rosario having passed out in the bathroom, the shrimp cocktail and free flowing beer too much for her, she called out.

"Finny, I've already told you that I have nothing more to say to you! Nothing you can say will change my mind. And I will not answer anymore of your questions in exchange for a kiss! I'm on to you this time."

There were no more sounds from the main room, and Karen continued folding her negligee, satisfied that she'd finally gotten through to her soon to be ex-husband. Moving to the dressing table, she grabbed her brush and make-up bag, and turned back around to face the bed, only to find it occupied. After releasing a small scream, throwing her hands up to her chest and consequently dropping everything onto the carpeted floor, she calmed enough to be able to recognise and berate the man before her.

"Damn it Beverly! You scared me! Shouldn't you be sitting around Snow White's coffin with the other six dwarves?" She smiled slightly to soften the words, actually happy to see him, and bent to pick up her spilt items.

Beverly didn't answer, he simply watched her as she gathered a lipstick from where it had rolled beneath the chest of drawers. He wasn't particularly surprised that Karen had called off her marriage. Many didn't think he paid much attention, but he did. When anything interesting occurred, he liked to keep an eye on it, just incase some juicy gossip could come out of it. So when he'd heard about the Widowed Mrs. Walker's engagement, he'd been sure to listen and watch very carefully, and he hadn't been disappointed. He'd watched her change right in front of his eyes; he was quite surprised her _friends_ hadn't noticed, it had been so obvious to him that her smiles had become more fake.

Having finally collected all of the contents of her make-up and placed them with the brush in her case, Karen turned back to Beverly, only now realizing that he had yet to speak. It was unlike him, especially with how today had gone. He was never one to pass up such a perfect opportunity to taunt her. Locking eyes with him, she slid onto the bed, coming to rest just in front of him, her legs tucked beneath her, wishing that she had changed from her wedding suit as soon as she'd left the reception.

Neither spoke for several seconds, each lost in thought, their gazes still locked, until Karen became uncomfortable with the silence and the strangeness that had filled the suite since Beverly's entrance.

"Bev, honey, you know I love you like a cold sore, but what are you doing here?" When Beverly continued to remain silent, his eyes never shifting, his face never changing, Karen jumped up from the bed, her frustration getting the best of her, as she paced from one end of the room to the other, strands of her hair falling loose from its bun framing her face.

"Why aren't you talking! Where are the 'Poor Karen Walker, even on her wedding day she's all alone' comments? You had plenty when we were down there before. Where is the 'Oh I knew this one wouldn't last.'? This isn't you Bev and quite frankly you're scaring me!" She stopped, panting slightly, her face tinged red, as she glared at Beverly, mentally urging him to say something. Anything.

Finally, Beverly began to move, lifting himself off of the bed, and walking over to where Karen stood, his eyes still not leaving her face. He stopped in front of her, and placed his hands over her own where they hung down by her sides, a gesture he rarely made to her.

"Poor Karen, all sad and alone, and at her own wedding too, what ever will we do with this poor women?" He stopped, and Karen felt a genuine smile settle on her face, for the first time in what seemed like years.

"Thanks Bev, you're sweet." She bent down and planted a light kiss on his cheek. He squeezed her hands, and then released them, making his way to her door. As he reached it, he turned to face her once more, his features serious.

"It's scary to see someone who's never been afraid to be themselves suddenly change. You're going to be around for a good while yet, don't change yourself for someone else, wait for the someone who wants you for you. And I'll deny this if asked, but Karen, there's going to be someone who wants you for you." With that he left the room.

Karen stared at the empty doorway until she heard the main door click shut once again. Lost deep in her thoughts, she slipped once more onto her bed, her feet dangling gracefully over the edge, as she sat looking at her folded hands. Beverly was right of course, she shouldn't try to be someone else; that was why she'd not been able to stay with Lyle after all. But more than that, more than she was sure even Beverly intended, she couldn't afford to be someone else. She didn't have as much time as he thought, but she still had enough, and she wanted to spend it being herself, with the people who did love her for her. The only problem was, if she was determined to stop pretending, then they would have to know, and she wasn't ready for that, not yet.

Sighing deeply, she rose from the bed, and grabbed her bag, looking around once more, checking she'd not left anything behind; clothes, mascara, an unopened bottle of vodka from the cleared out mini-fridge. Satisfied she had everything, she left the suite, taking the elevator to the front hall, before signing out at the desk. Stepping out of the front doors, she breathed in the city air, watching as her limo pulled up.

So she didn't have a husband? She didn't need to have everything taken care of by someone else. She was Karen, and she was going to be herself once again, because if she wasn't, then there was little point to the rest of her life.

_: end flashback :_


	10. Cry For Care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lasting thank you for my other beta at this time; Pamena.

_You've got to laugh a little, cry a little  
Until the clouds roll by a little  
That's the story of,  
That's the glory of love_  
(Glory of Love, Bette Midler)

The days went on, everyone focused more on Grace's life than her own. Not that she'd blamed them of course, Grace had been a mess for quite some time after her fairytale marriage had fallen apart. They'd all tried to help, in their own way, and she hadn't realised until then, just how little the others valued her opinion. Maybe she just hadn't cared until then, but she'd begun to feel as if she didn't matter to any of them as much as they meant to her.

For several weeks she'd found herself watching the way they interacted, and imagining herself not there, she'd had to force herself to stop when it began to hurt too much to realise that the only difference to the picture would be empty space. It had appeared that her _friends_ would be able to live just fine without her. Of course she'd gotten over that soon enough, alcohol was good for that, but she had made sure to make more of an effort to take part, to be one of the 'gang'.

The night she'd woken up with a nose bleed, had chilled her to the bone. She'd made an emergency appointment with her oncologist for the next morning and had waited on tenterhooks the entire day. Having money could speed up anything. The results had not been good.

When Rosario had gotten ill it had been a reality check she'd desperately needed. She hadn't been able to handle the possibility that her Rosie could die, so she'd ignored the signs to an almost fatal degree. When she'd thought in those moments as the monitors had strung out the one monotonous note, that she'd lost her, she'd felt her heart stop beating too. That it was a false alarm had relieved yet worried her at the same time. What she'd almost been through was what she was setting up for the others. They didn't know of the fatality of her life, and she'd always believed that it was better that they didn't. Better for her, but better for them too. Now she knew differently, and after she'd left Rosario to stay over night in the hospital, she'd begun to plan how she was going to tell them all. She'd known she had to, and she'd known that it had to be soon, but it was going to be hard, and it had taken a lot of thought and planning to come up with the best way to go about it.

But as with so much of her life, things hadn't gone anywhere near to plan, and though she knew that it could have gone smoother, at least it had gotten everything out in the open for the first time, and maybe she had felt a little better once it was.

_: flashback :_

Karen watched bemused as Will paced up and down the small living room, his hands waving around in front of him as though he were converting his speech to sign language. He wasn't, at least she hoped he wasn't, she knew some sign herself, and that last signal most definitely hadn't corresponded to his words. It had accurately summed up the guy though, as far as she could tell.

"…and then he has the nerve to call me Mister! I mean me? Mister! I told him 'sonny, I'm no Mister, I'm not that much older than you, now straighten that shirt and quit slouching you'll end up with back problems like me.' Can you believe him? Calling me old!" Will finally stopped, slumping down into the arm chair, his mouth set in a petulant pout. His only move was to take the glass of red wine Grace passed to him, as she moved from the kitchen to sit on the sofa beside Karen.

"Sweetie he was just trying to get a rise out of you, now let it go. Let's get on with the point of why we're all here because I have better places to be." Grace stopped at the twin looks of disbelief on her friends faces. "Okay, so maybe I don't, but we should get this started before Karen drinks us out of house and home."

"Honey, you know remarks like that really hurt." Karen realised she might have been more believable if she hadn't followed herself up by emptying her glass in one swallow. But still it had hurt a little, but then she was used to the comments about her drinking, she thought she'd probably miss them if they were to stop.

"But seriously Wilma, why am I here, and where's my Jackie? Isn't he supposed to be here too?" Karen questioned him, sure that there was something she wasn't remembering, as she rose to refill her glass.

"No Karen, remember, I told you that it was important that Jack not find out about us meeting tonight? Please tell me you haven't told him anything! I've been planning this evening for days, do you know how much it cost me to get someone to take him out tonight?" Will looked at her, his annoyance increasing with every word. It was imperative that Jack not know, it would ruin his whole birthday surprise, because there was no way that Jack would not listen in, if he knew what was being discussed. He watched as Karen returned to the sofa, full wine glass in hand, missing the small wince she gave as she rubbed the space between her eyes with her free hand.

"No, I didn't tell him anything Honey, relax, I haven't seen Jackie in a few days, you know how busy he's been lately." Actually she'd been glad she hadn't seen him, it'd given her more time to come up with a way to tell him what was happening to her.

Will sat forward in his chair, his eyes shifting around the room as though looking for spies, Karen turned to her right to find Grace doing the same. Sighing in disbelief at the two, Karen pulled her mobile out from her bag and dialled the familiar number. After only two rings, Jack's voice filled her ear, and she quickly switched it to speaker.

"Hey Poodle, what you up to? I thought we could grab a movie or something." She almost laughed at the twin frozen stares of Grace and Will, she could swear they weren't even breathing.

"Karen! I'm on a date! You know that, it's a Friday night, why would you think I'd be free on a Friday?" Karen smiled at his petulance, whilst at the same time she noticed the noise of what sounded like a very busy club in the background.

"It's a Friday? Sorry Honey, it's these new pills from Pharmacist, I keep losing time, I thought it was Thursday, well get back to your date Poodle, we'll catch up tomorrow!" She'd barely gotten the words out before the dull ringing of the call tone reached her ears. She had to laugh, for all Jack's attentiveness to her; there was never any choice between spending time with her and some man candy.

Slipping her phone back into her bag, Karen watched amused as Grace and Will drew in large gulps of air; they hadn't been breathing after all. She really was interested to know what this was all about, but she could feel a strong headache coming on, and ironically she didn't have anything with her that she could take for it. Just as she was about to loudly announce that this was wasting her time, Will finally began to explain.

"Now I've brought you both here today to discuss something I think you'll agree is rather important. As you can see we are missing one of our group, but their absence will be explained shortly…" Will spoke as though giving a lecture, and Karen felt herself already beginning to fall asleep, she wouldn't hold out much longer if he carried on like that. Luckily, Grace had similar thoughts, and expressed them by reaching over and slapping Will's shoulder.

"Get to the point already!"

After giving Grace a truly dirty look, Will re-focused his thoughts, and cut to what was the real point of the meeting.

"Okay, Jack's birthday. You know how big a deal Jack makes over his birthday each year, well this year, I thought we'd do something really nice for him. We've all had a bit of a tough year, and I just thought that it would be a really nice time to celebrate our surviving. Now I know we have a long time before his birthday comes around, but I figured that the earlier we start planning, the better ideas we can come up with, and the more time we have to put them into action! So anyone have anything they can think of?" Will finished, a huge grin on his face.

He was quite proud of himself; there was about seven months until Jack's birthday, and whilst that really was a long time away, he'd always prided himself on his organisation. He knew that with all that time to plan, this birthday would be the best Jack had ever had; it could really be a celebration for all of them. Looking around at the girls, Will smiled wider at the look of concentration on Grace's face. Through the years she and Jack had become good friends, much closer than he had imagined they would be all those years ago when he'd asked for that for his birthday. Turning his gaze on Karen, he was surprised to find her staring distantly into the space between them, her full wine glass hanging dangerously loose in her hand.

Karen had stopped listening to Will the moment he mentioned Jack's birthday, she'd forgotten that. With everything else, she had forgotten when Jack's birthday was, and though it was a long way off, she couldn't help but think that it would come too fast and yet not soon enough. She couldn't deal with this now, but there was no way out unless she spilled everything, and she couldn't do that, it wasn't in her plan. Suddenly realising that Will had finished talking she shifted her thoughts and gaze back to him, to find his own eyes on her. Smiling slightly to cover up anything he may have read from her, Karen couldn't have been more grateful when Grace jumped up from the sofa in excitement.

"I've got it! I've got it! Jack's birthday is in like seven months right? Well I know that there is going to be a gay icons tribute concert right around that time in Vegas; that would be perfect! We could take the weekend and spend it in Vegas, you know I missed out last time you guys were there, make Jack's birthday into a whole weekend thing!" By the time she had finished, Grace was practically bouncing around the room, her arms waving about excitedly.

Will smiled at her, it did sound perfect and he knew Jack would love it. They'd have to book up soon though, who knew how fast those tickets would sell. He was even more proud of himself for starting this early now.

"Okay, so we'll all go, just the four of us, we won't bring anyone, no matter who we're with at the time."

Karen sat frozen in place. Everything was happening so fast. She couldn't make long term plans like that. The whole thing did sound wonderful, and it hurt so much to know that she'd not actually get to experience it. But she wouldn't and as much as she really didn't want to tell them yet, she knew she had to say something, anything to stop them from including her in the plans.

"Make that the three of you Honey. I won't be going." Her voice came out quieter than she wanted, shakier too, but she held her chin up high, thinking fast of a believable excuse. She almost shrank under the sudden scrutiny of the others, and opened her mouth to tell her lies, but was beaten to it, by an unexpectedly angry Will.

"Oh and why is that? Can't take the time away from your precious pills? Or do you have some pressing matters that will come up then? It can't be because of work, because you don't do anything, and it sure as Hell isn't because of family, because we all know how you feel about anything involving spending time with your loved ones! You know what, you are quite possibly the most selfish woman I have ever met, and you know what?..."

"Will I don't think…" Grace tried to cut him off, throughout his rant she'd been focused on Karen, and she'd seen the effect of his words, seen each wince she gave at every accusatory word, and she could see the blatant pain on her face that Will appeared blind to.

"No Grace, this needs to be said. I don't care what excuse you use to get out of my birthday plans, but this is Jack, and I thought he meant something to you, obviously I was wrong! No one matters but the great Karen Walker, well guess what, you don't matter either, and we will do just fine without you!" Will finally stopped, his voice having risen to a shout, and he turned his back to Karen, unable to even look at her any longer.

"You want to know why I won't be going? You want to know the reason that I'm sitting here taking everything you're throwing at me?" Karen couldn't stop herself; the pain at his words had become anger. Anger at Will. Anger at herself for not saying something sooner. Anger at the injustice of what was happening to her. And before she could take the time to fully understand what she was saying, and what the consequences would be, she found herself spilling it all, while the two other people in the room listened on in shock.

"I won't be around by the time Jack's birthday comes. While you're in Vegas listening to a bunch of Queens singing their hearts out, I'll be 6 feet beneath the ground with worms crawling all over me! And you know what? As hard as it may be for you to believe me, it really hurts that I won't be there with you. That I won't get to be with Jack for his birthday. But you don't care right? Because I mean nothing? Well that's just great, because I've been struggling for ages trying to come up with a way to break this to you, but I shouldn't have bothered because you don't actually care. So here it is, I'm dying. There was no stake through the heart, no silver bullet, it's not the drugs or the alcohol, it's the cells in my body turning against me. And I'm glad you can live quite fine without me, because you will have to!"

She fell silent, her own voice having started out as a shout, had faded to almost a whisper. For the first time, she noticed the tears on her cheeks, and she raised her hand to brush them away, turning herself so she no longer had to look at Will nor Grace, not wanting to see their reactions. It wasn't supposed to have come out like this. Not whilst they were all so angry, and not until her Poodle had known first. Everything was such a mess, and she couldn't stop the tears from flowing freely. The walls she'd built up so long ago crumbled once more, and with no other choice, she gave in to the emotions inside her.

Will and Grace remained in the same places, unmoving, but for the blinking of their eyes and the fast rise and fall of their chests. Neither could process what had just happened.

Will was the first to come out of his daze, and he focussed once more fully on Karen. He could see from the shaking of her back and shoulders that she was crying, and he felt like he would join her. He was so confused over what Karen had said, but most of all, beneath the enormous amount of pain he could feel growing as his mind tried to sort out the new information, the guilt he felt over what he had said, and what he had pushed her to, nearly broke him. Before he knew what he was doing, he'd covered the distance between them, and pulled her roughly into a tight hold. Turning her slightly so her side and shoulder lay against his chest. He felt her stiffen at first, and then, as though the last brick had fallen from her walls, she grabbed hold of him just as tight. He held her close as sobs wracked her small frame, dipping his face to the top of her head, and kissing her hair, one hand rubbing loose circles across her back, his own tears dripping onto her.

"I am so sorry Kare, so sorry."

Grace watched on as Will tried to comfort Karen, her shock at what was happening to her friend, taking much longer to settle in. It didn't seem real, one minute they were all talking about spending Jack's birthday together, and the next one of them was dying. Her own tears ran unheeded down her cheeks, it shouldn't have been happening like this. Karen was still so young, granted she didn't know exactly how young, but still she knew she was too young, and too full of life.

Unable to stay away any longer, Grace moved to stand with her friends, coming up behind Karen and facing Will. Will raised his head and they stared, one tear-streaked face to another, with Karen's muffled sobbing between them. No words were exchanged, and Grace moved closer still until Karen was sandwiched between them. Grace's arms came up around Will's and they stood together supporting each other.

_: end flashback :_


	11. Taking Comfort

_Phones off the hook,  
No one knows where we are  
It's a long time since I drank champagne.  
The ocean is blue, as blue as your eyes  
I'm gonna take it with me when I go_  
(Take It With Me, Megan Mullally)

That evening had been one of the most emotional moments in her life. It had been the first time that she'd spoken the words out loud, the first time that it had all been real. She could tell at the time that Will had felt guilty over his words, and he had gone on to apologise for them several times that evening. She'd understood, though thinking of them still hurt a bit. They had been words intent on causing pain after all.

They'd all been a little awkward after separating, it wasn't everyday that they saw Karen Walker collapse into tears, and she herself had been annoyed that she'd let so much show. She'd been especially annoyed when she'd realised that Jack would now be the last to know, not the first as she'd intended. It hadn't taken much to convince Will and Grace to keep quiet about what they knew; she had their shock to thank for that. Unfortunately, the night had taken its toll on her, and with the pain behind her eyes having increased, she'd been forced to spend the night at Will's apartment. She'd hoped that things could return to normal the next morning, but things hadn't been normal, they'd been as far from normal as she had always feared they would be. Grace had stopped mocking her, and Will had hovered around her as though waiting for her to drop any moment. Eventually she had stormed from the room, her last words something about her knowing she shouldn't have told them. She wasn't exactly sure of the wording, but it had done the job, for when she'd gone in to work that afternoon, Grace had acted as her usual self, and when Will had dropped by he'd only hovered slightly.

Of course with the twosome knowing, it had made it even more important that she tell Jack as soon as possible, but she had been dreading it for so long, that it had become, in her mind, an almost insurmountable task. She'd worried about Jack's reaction to the news. She'd known only two ways that it would play out. He would either think it all a large joke at his expense and when she continued to press it, he'd storm away and not talk to her, or he'd yell at her for not telling him sooner. Of the two she'd feared the latter as having the greater chance of playing out. She'd had several opportunities over the years to tell him, even before it had become critical. Jack had been the only stable thing in her life. Throughout her divorce, Stanley's death, her second divorce; Jack had been there in varying ways and she knew she wouldn't have made it through quite as in tact if he hadn't been. They were a duo; not quite as good apart as they were together, and that worried her, because no matter what Jack said, they wouldn't be together forever, and knowing what it would mean for them to be, she was glad of that. Jack had a long life before him, and she wanted him to live it, even without her.

It hadn't been too hard to find a night where he was free, the guy from the club had apparently not been so much the one, as no one. So on the next night she'd made the arrangements, ensured that Grace and Will knew not to disturb either of them, and tried to keep as sober as possible so as to not make it any harder than it had to be. The best she had hoped for was that he would hear her out completely before he left her. If nothing else, she needed him to know it all.

_: flashback :_

The elevator doors closed behind her, the sharp 'ding' causing her to jump slightly. She'd known it was a bad idea to do this at Jack's apartment, but there would have been too many distractions at the Manse, too much chance of being interrupted. But now, standing in front of his door, she found herself wishing for the safety of her home.

Sucking in a deep breath and exhaling slowly she reached up and knocked on the door. This was it. The moment she'd been dreading for several years. As the door opened and she looked up into Jack's smiling blue eyes, she realised it would be harder than she had ever imagined. Because she couldn't stand to see the light in those eyes dim, and she hated that she would be the one to cause it.

: kw :

"He wasn't worth it anyway Kare. I should have just come round to yours. He got all freaked out when I said that I wanted to borrow a thousand dollars. I mean, hello! Did he really think he'd get all this for nothing?" As he spoke, Jack ran his hands down his body, ending with a flourish and one of his trademark 'adorable' expressions.

His comment wasn't met with the giggle he expected; instead Karen was sitting unusually quiet. Thinking about it, Jack realised that she had been that way since entering his apartment. Though they had of course had their usual fondle, Karen had gone straight to the couch, and not moved since. He was starting to get a little worried about her. He'd not seen her much that week, and that in itself was strange, but since they had finished his meal of party snacks, Karen had drunk only half a glass of wine, no where near her usual quota. She looked more pinched too, but he assumed that was just the lack of alcohol, and the inevitable hang over that should be creeping up on her. He hoped that was all.

Sliding onto the couch, Jack lifted the wine glass from Karen's hand and dragged her down until her head was in his lap, one hand stroking lovingly through her hair. He loved when she had it down; her hair was just like the rest of her…perfect. Looking down at her, Jack found she had her eyes shut tight, her face not having the relaxed look he was used to.

"Kare, are you okay? You've not been yourself at all tonight."

Karen swallowed past the lump in her throat. She really needed to tell him before it got much later or she chickened out once again. Turning on his lap so that she was laying looking up into his worried eyes, she braced herself, and prayed for the first time, that the evening wouldn't go as wrong as she knew it would.

"Jackie, there's something I need to tell you, and I've been putting it off for a long time because it scares me." She trailed off as Jack lifted her back up into a seated position, pulling her close, but angling her so he could still look her in the eyes.

"Kare, you know you can tell me anything." Jack's voice spoke of true sincerity, and she loved him for that, it gave her that little extra courage that she desperately needed.

"Honey, you know how a year ago when Will made me go to the hospital I was really worried? It was where you first found your love for all things nursing. Well I wasn't completely honest about why I hate hospitals, and why I was so worried about those tests. Remember after we first met, that very first time you asked me about all the pills, and I said that they weren't just for pleasure, and then I wouldn't tell you more? Well, Poodle, about a year and a half before I met you I was really sick. I had a tumour in my lower intestine. I had to have a lot of intense treatment, but I beat it, and I got well again." She broke off, the first part of her story over, the worse part yet to come. Before she could continue, Jack had pulled her even closer and began to speak himself.

"Aw Kare, you should have told me. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wish I could have been there for you." He too paused, as though suddenly realising something, and Karen felt her heartbeat slow to an almost stop. "But why are you telling me now Karebear?"

"When I was being treated, they told me that there was a really high chance that even if that tumour went away, I would develop more in the future, and that they might be harder to treat. They also said that it could easily develop into cancer, and that I should be aware of that." She looked back into Jack's eyes, saw the confusion and growing worry there, and she grasped both of his hands tightly in her own. "A few weeks ago I woke up with a nose bleed. I went to the doctors and they ran some tests. They said that the Cancer was back."

Jack looked at her in incomprehension, unable to even think what her words implied.

"Its everywhere now and they can't do anything to stop it. I'm dying Jackie."

: kw :

The room was still, as though frozen in time, no breaths in or out, no ticking of a non-existent clock and no sounds from the two people sat like stone on the couch.

Jack's expression hadn't changed since Karen had stopped talking, his grip on her becoming no tighter but no looser. Though his eyes were still locked with Karen's they had a distant look to them, as though his thoughts were far removed from his body. Karen began to get worried when she could no longer feel the rise and fall of his chest, but was saved from jumping up to resuscitate him, when his eyelids blinked. She knew this would be hard for him to take in, and she resigned herself to letting him adjust in his own time. Besides, the longer he was silent, the more time she would be able to spend pulled up close beside him.

Jack was in shock. That was the only thing his mind could process. At some point after the word 'dying' his brain had shut down; freezing the blood in his veins and the air in his lungs. He knew he'd heard her right, she'd been speaking clearly and he really had been concentrating hard on what she had to say, but still it couldn't be true. There was no way that Karen's words could be true, because then that would mean that at some point in the future his Karen would be no more, and he refused to believe that. But then she wouldn't lie about something like that. But then that would make it true, and oh he couldn't handle this. He had to know more, he had to understand exactly what it was she was saying.

Finally turning his head, Jack looked down on the special woman leaning against him, her face angled away as she stared at nothing. She looked like an angel, light from the small lamp surrounding her and highlighting the smoothness of her skin and the colours in her hair making her almost glow. The only fault with the picture was the presence of a frown on her face. There was still so much he needed to process, but right at this moment, his angel needed him.

Karen turned when she felt Jack's hold tighten slightly, and was met with tearful blue eyes. Before she could say anything, she was pulled tightly against him once more, her ear to his chest, as he buried his face in her hair. She held him just as tightly, her own eyes filling up as she felt his tears soak her head. She always hated when he was sad, and to be the cause of that was just too much. Gripping his arms her body shook with his, both their frames wracking with sobs. Their minds both on the future and what would happen, their hearts aching for each other, and the pain that would come.

Karen calmed first, her tears drying on her cheeks, and she pulled Jack's head down and placed a sweet kiss on his forehead, before bringing it to rest against her own. Placing her hands either side of his face she spoke softly, her voice rough from crying.

"I'm so sorry Jack. I wish there was a way I could stop this, I didn't want to upset you honey, that's why I waited so long to tell you." She realised that Jack had yet to actually speak, and she wished he would. She needed to know what his true feelings were so she could try to fix them…if she could. "Say something Jack, please."

Jack pulled away from her slightly, looking her straight in the eye, a single tear sliding down his cheek.

"I don't want to lose you Kare." He could feel his lip quivering, and he pulled himself together; he had to be strong. There would be time enough to fall apart after…just after.

Though it felt like his heart was shattering with every passing second, he took a deep breath and continued. "I don't want to lose you, but I know it's not your fault, and I'm glad you finally told me. I wish you had told me sooner." He paused upon seeing Karen open her mouth in defence. "I'm not angry with you Karebear, I understand that you did what you thought was best, it's just that…I wish you hadn't had to go through all that on your own. I wish I had been there when you got your results."

"I wish you had been too Poodle." Karen's voice was barely above a whisper, but she felt full of relief. The evening had gone nothing like her expectations, she was so lucky to have a best friend like Jack in her life. "But you know what, you're here for me now, and that's all that matters."

Jack smiled, not quite as brightly as usual, but it was a smile nonetheless, as he stood and pulled Karen to her feet.

"I am here now Kare, and I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through this together I promise." He bent slightly to kiss her lips, and then caught one of her hands in his own, his other hand going to rest on her hip. "Dance with me."

Giggling lightly, Karen nodded her acceptance; she'd never refuse him anything. As she lay her head against his chest once more, feeling his heart beating beneath her, it didn't matter that there was no music to follow. All that mattered was that her Jackie knew now, and there would be no more hiding, no more lying. What ever was to come she would face with her friends beside her. It was moments like these; pressed up against Jack, his soft humming drifting past her ears, that she would cherish and remember. There would be plenty of time to cry and yell at the unfairness, but right now, she would just take comfort in the support of her friends.

_: end flashback :_


	12. Unforgettable Moments

_Unforgettable, that's what you are  
Unforgettable though near or far  
Like a song of Love that clings to me  
How the thought of you does things to me  
Never before, has someone been more  
Unforgettable…_  
(Unforgettable, Megan Mullally and Sean Hayes)

When Stan had come miraculously back from the dead; her very own Lazarus, it had taken quite a lot of time for her to forgive him. Not nearly as long as it would have taken had she more time. That had been the main reason for her acceptance of him back into her life. He'd been such a large part of her life, both physically and metaphorically. There had been so many times when she wouldn't have survived with out him, and though there had been just as many where she'd had to do just that, she knew that this time it wasn't about survival, it was about enjoying what she had. And what she had was a recently returned Husband whom, despite everything, she had greatly missed. Throughout the years she'd had as many regrets as she needed, she'd not wanted to add another one to the list.

So Stan had moved back in, taking up more than his fair share of space in her life and bringing the Stepchildren around her once again. Of course they had taken longer to forgive the betrayal of their father, and she'd known that their eventual reunion had only occurred in response to the revelation of the return of her illness. But she'd not worried, it had been a start after all, and if anything good was to come from her death, it would be that her family was brought together again.

The following weeks had passed faster than she'd expected. Jack had spent every free moment with her, something she'd appreciated more than he knew. Though telling him had been one of the hardest acts of her life, it had also been one of the best, for it had brought them closer than she'd thought possible. Still, as the days had gone on, she'd seen how restless he was getting without a date, and so finally; tired and frustrated with Jack's reluctance to leave her alone, she'd organised a date for him herself and pushed him forcibly out of the Manse and in to the strong arms of a cute guy. Will and Grace had planned another of their infamous Game Nights and Stan had taken the kids out for an evening of Bowling and Steak, which she had graciously declined to join in with. Her excuse of being far too tired not even a lie. So, feeling far less than ideal and having a penthouse empty but for herself and the staff, she'd settled in for a quite night of Ben and Jerrys and sappy movies. It should have been the perfect evening for everyone.

_: flashback :_

The movie played out on screen, the star-crossed lovers partying once more, each destined for different things in different places, but fated to meet again years into the future. It was a well kept secret; Karen's love for romantic comedy. It was only on nights when she was alone, and feeling down that she'd pull the movies out of the hidden safe in the Movie room. Not that she was feeling particularly sad right then, but she did feel more than a little under the weather. She'd have to make an appointment with her doctor tomorrow; it wouldn't do to come down with something now.

Karen turned away from the screen as the heroine wept desperately into the shoulder of her domineering father, and looked across the coffee table to where the ice cream sat; its contents warming up to room temperature; melting to a cool chocolate mush. Suddenly feeling overheated, she reached across to grab it, hoping to bring her temperature down with it. It took more out of her than she expected to move, and she slowly pulled herself back until she was resting against the sofa cushions once again, breathing heavily as she tried to catch her breath. She could feel her heart beating erratically, and winced as it pounded against her rib cage. Using energy she didn't have she slid down until she lay flat atop the sofa as it became harder and harder to draw in much needed air. The corners of her vision began to fade away, blackness moving in and distorting her view. As darkness overcame her, her last view was of her beloved maid hovering above her, frantic worry set into her features. Karen tried to smile, to reassure her Rosie, but it was no use, her body wouldn't respond to her, and with one last futile attempt she slid into unconsciousness.

: kw :

Rosario lay knitting on her bed, the small Television; a recent addition to the room, blared out in front of her, as the soap opera drew to a close for the evening. Stretching as she stood, she switched it off, mumbling to herself about how stupid the plumber was in thinking that by sleeping with his brother's wife he could get revenge. It wouldn't work; the marriage had long ago dried up anyway. Thinking of soap operas and things that had dried up, Rosario remembered the evening her boss was currently having. She couldn't believe that Karen's illness had returned again, this time fatal. But she had accepted that it had, and was going to make sure that until she no longer could, she would provide her Miss Karen with anything she needed.

Heading for the Movie room, Rosario stopped suddenly and counted in her head. It had been thirty minutes since she'd last checked in on Karen, which meant that she must have finished her drink by now. Turning in the corridor and moving towards the kitchen, Rosario was already mentally preparing a drink in her head.

She entered the empty kitchen and easily found the ingredients for Karen's favourite Martini. After mixing it up and pouring it into one of the many glasses, she headed once again for the Media room, a quite hum escaping her lips.

The room seemed quite as she opened the door, and she waited to hear the characteristic laugh that should have come after the joke on screen. Hearing nothing, Rosario pushed the door fully open and silently approached the couch, wondering if the brunette was asleep. Finally reaching the sofa, she peered over it, and came face to face with a sight that sent shivers down her spine, and caused the drink to slip helplessly from her hand, hitting the floor and splintering into tiny pieces. Rosario didn't notice, her attention fixed as it was on the struggles of her friend.

"Miss Karen! What is wrong? What can I do?" She tried to gain a response, but her questions met silence, and she watched in horror as Karen's eyes slipped shut and her body grew still. Scrambling around the sofa, she leant in against Karen's chest hoping against hope for a sign that all was not lost. Finding a slight rise and fall, she leapt up and ran for the phone, wishing the ambulance were already there.

: kw :

Stan leaned back into the plastic bench, watching as Mason sent another ball straight into the gutter. He had to hide a smile at the faux sympathy Olivia was showing, and nodded in fake pride himself, as Mason looked over at him. It was nice spending time with the two kids again after being away from them for so long. The only person missing from their family bonding session was Karen.

He'd missed her so much over the last few years, and to finally be able to come back to her, and have her in his life once again, only to find out that she wouldn't be there for long; it nearly killed him. It also intensified the guilt he felt at having to leave and lie in the first place. That he'd forgotten about the possibility of a return of her illness spoke more about his amazing capability for denial than neglect of his wife. He knew he still had a lot of making up to do before he could even begin to work through the guilt, but Karen had forgiven him and he wasn't going to let her down again. Not now, not ever again. The months to come would be hard for them all, but rising to take his turn, he promised himself and his newly re-united wife that he would be strong for the both of them.

Olivia watched her Father bowl, and sipped on her soda. It was still weird to see him alive. It had taken her and her brother so long to get over his death, that it made it harder to be happy that he was back and had lied to them. They had forgiven him though, more for Karen's sake than their own. She needed her family together and supporting her, even if she didn't tell them that herself. Feeling Mason move up behind her, she smiled and lent into his shoulder.

"What'ya thinking Liv?" His voice was deeper, still prone to cracking occasionally, something that Olivia loved to laugh at with her Step-Mother.

"Just thinking about how weird it is that Dad's actually alive. I guess it's a good thing that he came back now, while Karen is still…you know." She couldn't say the words, and Mason looked down at her in sympathy, he knew exactly how she felt. When they'd lost their Father, they'd lost their Mother as well. Karen had been more of a Mother to them than their real Mother; after all, they'd spent most of childhood growing up with her. And now, to have both people back, only to learn that, before they could get re-adjusted, they'd lose Karen again, it was a little too much to take in.

All 10 pins fell in the wake of their Father's ball, and just before he turned around to join them once again, Mason pulled his sister into a tight hug, whispering in her ear.

"It'll be okay Liv, remember what Karen told you, us Walkers are strong, we can make it through anything. Besides what's that Latin phrase she gave us? Something about Love always existing in memory. She's right."

Olivia leaned into the hug, and smiled a bittersweet smile at his words, absentmindedly twisting the ring Karen had given her around her finger.

"You're right Mase. Besides, she's got a while left before…" She was cut off by the ringing of Stan's mobile phone. Half listening she was soon at full attention at the tone his voice took on.

"Stanley Walk…Rosario is that you? Slow down, I can't understand what you're…Karen? What's happened? Oh my God, where are you? Okay, okay, stay with her, the kids and I will be right there." Shutting the phone, Stan looked over at his children, unable to hide the horror on his face. They had to get out of there now.

: kw :

"So I'm trying to find a better way to see Cher, and this idiot in a totally uncoordinated outfit comes by and stands right in front of me. I mean this guy just did not seem to understand how important it is to see the woman! Who wears Kmart trousers to the Goddess's show? Jack are you hearing me?"

Jack looked up sharply from the serviette he'd been absently studying.

"Huh?"

His date looked resigned as he sighed, having suspected long ago that Jack had his mind far away. His bet was that it was on the woman who had set him up on this disaster of a date.

"Look Jack, it's obvious you don't want to be here, I mean I don't know all the background, but you obviously love this woman…Karen was it? So maybe you should be spending this date with her."

"Wait James, no, it's not like that. Karen is really ill, and I just, well I'm worried about her, I don't want anything to happen to her while I'm not there." Jack sighed himself, wishing he was back at the Manse with his Karebear. This was the longest they'd been apart since she'd told him she was dying. And she'd been in his thoughts all night.

James sighed again and leant across, taking one of Jack's hands in his own. He didn't know the extent of Jack's relationship with this Karen, but he could see that there were real emotions involved, and as a counsellor he was well versed in helping people work through problems.

"Jack, I know you're worried, but if anything was to happen, and I'm not saying it will, it will happen whether you are there or not. You can't expect your presence to change the will of fate. Things happen when they happen. The only thing you can control is how you react. Now Karen obviously wanted you to enjoy yourself tonight, and she definitely doesn't feel slighted by you coming out with me. She organised it after all, so please, just relax and have some fun. And I promise; I'll have you back to her before eleven." It was his compromise and he could see that his words had had a good affect.

Jack smiled seductively and leaned in across their still joined hands.

"I'm not so sure I want to be with her tonight, I think there are better places I can think of being." James's words had really cheered him up, and they were true, nothing he did would stop anything from happening to Karen; he should know that by now. Besides, he was being paranoid. Karen had months still in front of her, and she was still in pretty good health.

As James leant in to meet Jack's lips he was stopped by the shrill ring of a mobile. Jack pulled back and grabbed the phone from his pocket, sending an apologetic look across the table to his date.

"Jack's pants how may I…Mason? Mason you're going to have to slow down, I can't understand you. Did you say you were on the way to the hospital? Oh my God, is Karen okay? Look, tell your Dad I'll be there as soon as I can, I'll get Will and Grace and meet you at the Hospital." Jack hung up, pulled on his coat and stood up, all in one quick movement. Suddenly realising he wasn't alone, he merely glanced at James, not truly seeing him, and headed for the exit.

"I've gotta go. It's Karen she's…I've just got to go."

Before James could react, Jack had left his sight. His thoughts a jumble of emotions, he needed to get to the hospital, he needed to see Karen.

: kw :

"Cheese, the French, oh okay, me after two hours at the gym..." Grace's face lit up suddenly as the answer came to her.

"Things that smell!" Will threw down the card and steadied himself as Grace flew into him, nearly toppling them both to the floor. When Grace released her grip, they both turned expectant eyes on Rob and Ellen, as they waited for their total score. They weren't really worried; they hadn't lost at this game since…well ever.

Rob looked up first, his face grim, they'd lost again. He feared to imagine what Grace's reaction would be. Hers was always the worst. Ellen looked up, her face just as dire, and she swallowed heavily.

"Three hundred points to you, and a hundred and fifty points to us." Both winced as twin screeches of joy and triumph sprung from the direction of their friends.

When they had calmed down, Will moved over to the refrigerator, pulling out the chilled bottle of wine Karen had given to them. It had shocked him at first; that she would be giving away alcohol, but she'd told him that it was a bribe. He could have the wine so long as he promised not to disturb her tonight. It was an expensive bottle of wine, and he had been able to tell that it was important to her that she have the night to herself, so naturally he'd accepted the bribe and organised the games night to keep Grace occupied.

It was funny how much Karen had been in their thoughts the last few weeks. They'd all made an extra effort to spend time with her, all the while trying to make it look as though they were acting completely normal. He wasn't sure how successful they had been.

Looking over at the couch, he saw Grace staring off into space again, a distant look on her face. She'd been doing that a lot lately, and he knew that when she drifted like this, her mind was on her friend and assistant. As hard as it had been for him to come to terms with Karen's looming death, he knew it was harder for Gracie. She'd known Karen better for far longer than he himself.

Grace snapped back to reality as she felt a cool glass being placed in her hand. She accepted it with a smile and understood what was behind the light squeeze Will gave her hand. She knew she had been thinking about Karen far too much lately, but she couldn't help it. It was a lot to take in after all. She watched as Will took his seat, and laughed as the phone began ringing the moment he raised his glass to his mouth.

Feeling uncharacteristically charitable, Grace waved her hand to still his movements, and rose to answer the phone herself.

"Will and Grace's apartment, Grace speaking. What? Jack you're going to have to speak slower and a little louder I can't hear you. You're where? The subway? Why? What, wait. Karen's on her way to hospital? What the Hell happened? No look, we'll meet you there. No Jack I'm sure she'll be fine. It's not your fault, just get there as fast as you can and we'll see you there." She hung up, the sound of Jack's desperate words still ringing in her ears, as she stared blindly at Will, not noticing Ellen and Rob as they rushed out of the apartment themselves. Will approached her and grabbed her in a tight hug. It only lasted a second, before they both pulled apart and flew into action. They needed to get to the hospital fast.

_: end flashback :_


	13. Passing Away Of Time

_If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high, or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go_  
(Wherever You Will Go, The Calling)

 

She knew it was coming; she'd been waiting for it for years now.

She wasn't afraid of death. That had been the one thing that had remained constant throughout the different stages of her illness. She only feared what she would be leaving behind. Of course she wished she could stay, but she had long ago accepted that as just a wish, a pure flight of fancy. This was her fate, her destiny, and she was ready to face it, even if it was coming faster than she had thought it would.

She wouldn't change a moment in her life, all the up and downs had made her who she was, and had given her the friends and family that she had. If she hadn't had her illness she probably wouldn't have gone to work for Grace, and then she wouldn't have meet her soul mate in Jack. If Stanley hadn't gone to jail she wouldn't have become better friends with Will, and if Stanley hadn't cheated and then 'died', she would never have seen Rosie lower her barriers. The children wouldn't have grown so close to her if she hadn't told them about her illness, and they wouldn't have all bonded the way they had in the last few weeks. She could have become cold and bitter if she hadn't been surrounded by those people, and so there was nothing she would trade those years for, not even more time.

It was funny how those years seemed like mere seconds ago, it didn't seem real to think of them as happening such a long time past. She remembered them all like they had only just occurred; she knew that was a good thing.

As the best doctors and surgeons in New York worked to keep her tired heart beating, she found herself contemplating the truth of near death stories. As her mind began to slowly shut down, her body following close behind she marvelled in the knowledge that though she saw no bright light, the most important moments in her life had flashed before her eyes. She knew that she was loved by some of the most amazing people in the world, and would always be remembered by them as the person she truly was, not the masks she would no longer have to use.

With her final breath she didn't see the doctors frantically rushing to stabilise her, she saw her friends and family all together in Will and Grace's apartment and herself in the centre of them all. Right where she always belonged.

_: flashback :_

Jack paced the small waiting room, artfully avoiding the many limbs of the people sitting scattered around on the small sofas and the floor, he looked to be talking to himself, his eyes red and tears still slipping down his cheeks. No sound was escaping him though as he continued his silent marching.

Rosario sat in a small chair up against one wall. Too distraught, she'd abandoned her knitting what seemed like hours ago, and instead stared blankly into space, her own eyes puffy from the tears she'd been unable to stop.

Stan sat on one of the small sofas, his arms around both of his children, as they each leant against one of his legs. It was his wife in that room, his precious wife, and yet he wasn't allowed in to see her, so he was forced to remain motionless, his eyes boring holes in the emergency room door.

Olivia still shook against her Father's leg, not able and not wanting to hide the sobs that overcame her. She was glad for the comfort of her Father's hand, but she wished that it were Karen's, and it was futile wishes such as that, that kept her from calming down.

Mason was watching his sister, his own thoughts mirroring her own. There were no tears in his eyes, only in his heart. As a teenage boy he wouldn't show his emotions, not yet anyway, instead he tore his gaze from Olivia and looked around the room, avoiding looking at anyone. He couldn't handle their grief; he knew he'd break too.

Will held Grace on his lap, her tears soaking his shirt, as he watched Jack pace the room once more. It had only been mere minutes since they had all arrived, and yet it felt like hours already. It was too soon for something like this, far too soon.

Grace continued to cry silent tears into Will. She knew she should be strong, for Stan for the children, for Jack. But even the thought of them, and what they must be feeling tore at her, and caused more tears to spring into her eyes. They didn't know whether Karen was okay of not, no one had spoken to hem since they'd arrived, and though Rosario had come in with Karen, there had been little she could tell.

Grace looked up from Will's neck, turning herself, and finally starting to bring herself back under control. They didn't know anything yet, but perhaps that was a good thing. Surely Karen must be fine if no Doctors had rushed out to them. They needed something to occupy their minds. Something to do to liven their thoughts of Karen. Looking back at Will, he nodded, knowing her thoughts and agreeing that she had the right idea.

Clearing her throat she drew everyone's attentions to herself, all but Jack's but he did at least cease walking, falling to the floor to stare silently ahead.

"I remember the first day Karen became more than an assistant to me. I had been having problems with Danny, and I guess I was ranting in the office, really working myself up, and suddenly I feel these two hands on my arms. Of course I'd forgotten Karen was even in the room, I mean, she rarely makes any noise when she is, and I believe the new Vogue Spring addition had just come out." Grace paused, her eyes flitting quickly around the room. She could already see their moods lightening, as they all paid rapt attention to her tail, even Jack had become engrossed, leaning forward slightly as he was.

"So anyway, I spin around and there she is, she's just looking at me, actually at me, with this expression that I don't think I've ever seen since on her face, and she pulls me up against her in a quick hug. Before she saunters back to her desk she whispers something that I will always remember. She says that I'm 'far too special to settle for a guy that can upset' me so much. I think I must have stared at her for ages afterwards, until she looks back at me, all innocent and just asks 'what?' It was so surreal, and yet so Karen." Grace stopped again, a smile playing on her lips, she had so many memories like that, where Karen had surprised her with being more kind and insightful than she let on, but she'd had her go, it was someone else's turn to share now. That's how the game worked.

Mason looked around the room, and seeing no one else make a move to speak, he pulled himself up until he was no longer leaning on his father and swallowed past the lump in his throat.

"I guess there were times when I didn't get on with Karen, I mean, she is Karen, but still she has this amazing side that she hardly ever shows, and always at the right moment. I remember this one time, she had to come and pick me up from school. She was annoyed because it was cutting into her shopping time, and of course she'd moaned about that. But when she pulled up in the limo, I guess she must have seen me. I remember I was standing in the middle of a big group of older kids, they were picking on me because of my size, and suddenly out of no where, this high pitched voice screams out that 'no one treats her son like that, and if they have anything to say they can say it to her instead.' When we saw her, she had such a scary look on her face that the whole group ran away from us really quickly. I think that was the first time I'd ever heard her call me her son." Mason stopped talking, and leant once more on his Father's leg, a soft smile on his face as he thought of that moment, and the woman who'd become his Mother whether she'd meant to or not.

Stan stroked the top of his son's head, proud of him for sharing that memory, and even prouder of his wife. She'd never told him about that incident, but then it was Karen, and she'd never been one to talk about her softer side. He wanted to share something now, something only the children had heard before.

"I remember the first time I ever saw Karen. I know lots of people say that about their Wives, but I actually can remember. She was wearing this faded blue jeans and a tight fitting shirt. I guess looking back that outfit seems weird, but then she was only just out of college and didn't have the money she has now to spend on clothes. Still her shirt was tight, so she wasn't all that different. She had her hair all long and with loose curls at the ends. Kind of like yours Grace. And her face was just the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, those deep eyes and rosy lips, I was completely captivated. And then she opened her mouth to order a drink, and this slightly high pitched drawl comes out of her, and I knew I was completely caught. Her voice has gotten higher over the years, have you noticed? I don't suppose you have, you never heard it in its original form, but it was so beautiful then, and though I of course love her voice now, well I think it was one of the worst casualties of all her pill taking. Anyway, I was still married, and would be for another ten years, and this vision was really so young. Still I knew I had to talk to her, so I go over, and offer to buy her a drink. After she'd chewed me out for assuming she couldn't buy her own, and I'd gotten her the drink as an apology, we spent the whole night talking, just talking, until we both had to leave. I never asked for her number, and she never offered it, and we both lived our separate lives until we met again after my divorce, but that first memory I have of her has always been right there at the front of my mind." Stan finally finished, his story told, and his mind viewing that memory over and over again in his head.

There were several moments of silence as they each pictured the young Karen Stan had described. Jack was the next to become fidgety, his mind having been taken, as had been Grace's attention, off of the bleak thoughts of what was happening to Karen. Now his head was filled with all the memories he had of her.

"I think the one time that really sticks out for me, was the day I spent with Karen when she was sober. I didn't know at the time, but some new medication she was on to fight this…disease, reacted badly with alcohol, so she'd had to stop drinking, just until she could get some new pills. Anyway, I was round at the Manse, I think you kids were in school, you were only young, and Stan you were at work I guess. And I'm sitting there in your bedroom, watching Karen finish getting dressed, and I could not place what was different about her. I mean, this was before she really started drinking heavily, so she wasn't going through any major withdrawals, she just seemed different. Anyway, she carries on getting ready, throwing me kisses through the mirror, and suddenly I notice that she doesn't have a drink anywhere around her. I must have looked crazy, my head spinning around looking for her ever present drink, and she laughs at me and asks what's wrong. When I tell her, her smile sort of drops slightly, and she says that she's not drinking for the day. I don't believe her of course, and in the end, we end up in a tickle fight on the bed. I think after that you, Rosie came in with some food, and a movie, and it was pretty much forgotten for the day, but still. Karen has the most amazing laugh when she's sober."

Again a gentle silence fell, but only for a moment before the rough sound of Rosario's voice filled the ears of the others, and they all turned to her as she spoke.

"I remember Miss Karen before the years of drink and pills, and as Mr Stan says, before her voice changed. I remember, this one Christmas, I'd been upset because my Sister had died just before Thanksgiving, and I hadn't been able to see my family, as busy as I was. So I was about to take up her traditional Christmas morning beverage; a hot Irish Coffee, without the coffee, when she comes bouncing down the stairs, all dressed and ready, something she rarely is before eleven, and she holds out this envelope to me, a huge grin on her face. She hadn't mastered her expressions so well then. I look at the note inside the card, and even now I can't believe it. It says 'Christmas is a time for family, you make mine, so I'm giving you yours.' And the next thing I know, my brother-in-law, my other sisters, my nieces and nephews, even my Mother, come pouring through the front door. She refuses to even acknowledge that it happened now. But I still have that card, and a photograph of Miss Karen and my family in your Lounge." In fact she carried the photograph with her in her pocket, it showed all of her family, captured in a single moment in time, never to age, nor leave her, even as their physical forms did.

Olivia smiled as she listened to that tale; she'd heard it before from the Maid, when she'd stumbled across that photograph one day. She'd tried confronting Karen about it, but had been laughed off, and sent running with the threat of being tickled until she made up no more stories. Her Step-Mother had had times when that loving side shone through.

"I guess on of my favourite memories of Karen, when she was actually being nice to me, was when I was seven. I had a ballet recital, and Dad and my other Mom, were all busy with work, so I begged and nagged and annoyed Karen until she eventually agreed to take me and stay and watch. Anyway, I was on stage and I could see her in the audience, a small video camera in her hand, I guess she was filming it for Dad, and everything was going well, until right in the middle of a spin, my ankle gives out, and I fall over. I got up and carried on, like we'd been taught, but I think I was really close to crying I mean it was an important day for me, and I'd made a mistake like that." Even the memory of that moment made Olivia shiver. It still embarrassed her now.

"I passed anyway, and I remember sitting on the edge of the stage watching all the other kids getting congratulated by their Mother's and Father's and I just know that they're all laughing at me, so I drop my head and stare at my feet, hating my weak ankle, when this shadow falls over me. I look up and there's Karen, with this sweet smile and such a look of pride in her eyes, I think I started crying properly. She kneels down in front of me, totally ignoring that her French custom made skirt is getting crumpled and she Hugs me and whispers that she's so proud of me, and that she knows that you would be too Dad. When I disagreed with her; saying that I'd fallen over and messed it all up, she just smiled again and said loudly so everyone could hear, that her daughter didn't mess anything up, that I'd stood tall even when something unexpected had happened, and I'd carried on going, not fallen to pieces, just like any Walker woman should." Olivia stopped, tears of happiness in her eyes, as she remembered that moment in her life. It had been a milestone for her, an important point in her childhood, and she'd loved to remember it on nights when she'd missed her true Mother, after her Father had 'died' and she'd been moved out of her home.

Everyone turned to look at Will, he was, after all the only one who hadn't spoken, but Will couldn't think of anything to say. He didn't know Karen the way the others did, though they were closer now, he'd not had any moments like those currently being shared. He regretted that, but then there was still time, and perhaps just knowing that Karen had this side to her, and that she did share it with those she was close to, was enough for him to fully accept her into his own family of friends.

Knowing he should say something, Will opened his mouth, but was cut off as the doors of Karen's room were opened, and the small army of Doctors exited. They couldn't tell by looking what had happened, and they each stood up, once again anxious to hear the news, waiting for the Doctor in charge to come over to them.

The Head doctor left the room last, shutting the door softly behind him. He looked across the corridor, to the waiting area, and took in a deep breath as he faced seven pairs of questioning eyes. He could feel the love coming from the close group, and he hated what he was about to do. Unfortunately being a Doctor wasn't just about saving lives. Sometimes it was about watching them end too.

_: end flashback :_

** _The End_ **

_I know now, just quite how  
My life and love might still go on  
In your heart, in your mind  
I'll stay with you for all of time.  
If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go_  
(Wherever You Will Go, The Calling)


	14. Epilogue

_I took for granted, all the times  
That I thought would last, somehow  
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears  
But I can't get near you now  
Wherever you go, whatever you do  
I will be right here, waiting for you_  
(Right Here Waiting, Richard Marx)

She watched the first time Jack went shopping without tears filling his eyes, spending his inherited money on outfits he knew she would love to see him in. Shouting out to the sales clerks with such authority _she_ would have been so proud.

She watched as Grace hired her first real assistant, finally allowing this one to sit at _her_ desk. She was completely different, she'd not wanted a new Karen, just a new assistant, but it would only take time before this one would become a friend too.

She watched as Stanley found someone to spend the rest of his life with. It wasn't true love, only one woman held his heart, but she made him happy, and filled some of the void she'd left behind. He knew _she_ would be happy for him too.

She watched as Rosario moved into her own apartment, hiring a small staff of her own. She was a better boss than _she'd_ been, much fairer, and she found herself a good friend in her personal maid, as history repeated itself in a warped pattern.

She watched as Olivia graduated top of her class, her handsome fiancé always at her side. She'd fallen in love and knew that this was the one for her, but if not, if it all fell apart in the future, Olivia wasn't worried, _she_ had taught her how to be strong.

She watched as Will finally got his dream, and started a family. The baby girl _her_ namesake, an unnecessary reminder, she was always a part of their thoughts.

She watched as Mason followed in his Father's footsteps, becoming successful in business, and loosing a few pounds of his weight. After _her_ death he didn't want to risk a heart failure of his own.

She watched as her children grew up, as her friends had children of their own, as grandchildren were born to them all.

She watched as every month they all got together beneath the low hanging willow tree that stretched across the top of the hill. They shared their memories and introduced her to the new additions to her family. The midday sun would shine across her gravestone illuminating the engraving; 'Diligo mos nunquam intereo ut memoria ago in.'

She lived on in them all as a Friend, Wife, Mother, Aunt and Grandmother.

In time they would be together again, but until then; she waited and she watched.

_ **End.** _


End file.
